I'm going to make the & a permanent fixture.
I just thought of a really funny pun: I hope you're okay little bonsai tree; you're looking a little green today.
Feel free to think I'm hilarious.
"Paul, put some pants on, she's going to be here soon!"
"What!? I thought you said she was coming tomorrow!"
"Yes, I did say that. Good ears."
"What are you talking about? Is she coming tomorrow or now?"
"If I told you she was coming today, you would have started complaining. I got crafty. Now, go get ready, no one needs to see those Homer Simpson boxers."
"Ugh!" After a dramatic eye-roll, Paul went to get dressed.
Sammy's guest was set to arrive at two in the afternoon. Sammy was dressed in a flowered dress that is perfect for spring time. She was no doubt dressed to impress. Paul, on the other hand, was dressed in his favourite, stained, baggy blue jeans with a t-shirt that says, "Beer me, bro," with a picture of a voluminous woman.
This classy shirt really brings into light the satire of the situation. It really brings into light gender stereotypes. Or it's just a t-shirt with beer and boobs.
Sammy was not impressed but she expected as much.
"Nice outfit choice." She said in monotone.
"You look beautiful." He responded in monotone too.
The door bell rang.
"She's here!" Sammy ran to the door.
"She's here." Paul mumbled and walked behind her.
"Jules! You're finally here! How was the trip? Was traffic okay?"
"Sam, Darling, slow your roll. Of course traffic was okay. Once you get into Weedner it's dead. Going through Paxton was hell though, but that's to be expected."
"It's so good to see you! I haven't seen you in so long."
"It's probably because you can't bare to leave this horrible little town. Maybe you and what's-his-face should make it up to Paxton. Do you even know what a sky-scraper looks like?" Jules did her witchy laugh and Paul's hair stood up on the back of his neck.
"It's Paul, Jules." Paul always reminds her.
"I know." Jules also had a witchy smile.
See, Jules is Sammy's older sister. She is two years older then her and one-hundred percent meaner. Sammy and Jules grew up in Weedner together. When their mother passed away, when Sammy was 21, Jules didn't see any point in staying. She moved to Paxton.
Paxton is one hour away from Weedner. It is no New York City, but it is definitely more lively then Weedner. Jules does not let you forget that. She lives an exciting life as a receptionist at a local hair and beauty chain headquarters. Her desk is on the sixth floor. Don't let her start on how wonderful the view is.
"Thank you for bringing my bags to the spare-room, Derek."
"Just tell me when you want them back in your car..." Paul had one goal: To not upset Sammy.
"Still unemployed, Jack?"
"Actually, he's an entrepreneur Jules. He has great ideas." Sammy added in quickly.
"Okay... What's for dinner? I haven't had anything home-cooked for years. We aren't ordering out are we? Do you even have take-out here? Paxton has the cutest little bistro's!"
"Dinner will be ready soon, it just has to..." Ring, ring, ring..,"Oh, I'll go get that!"
"Interesting shirt choice, Larry. I don't think they sell such vulgar things in Paxton."
"What...but I have company... How sick is she?... There is no one else?...I'll be right there." Sammy said on the phone.
"What's up Sammy?"
"I have to go do the news for tonight... I have to leave now. Watch the oven! It will beep soon! I will be home as soon as I can. Eat without me." And Sammy was out the door.
The evening with Paul and Jules was filled with awkward small talk, good food and insults. Paul was thankful when six came so he could just put on the news.
"You don't get this station is Paxton, do you? You've never seen Sammy on the news. She's great."
"Why would we need to know Weedner news in Paxton?"
"Tonight on Channel Two News at Six: Are your guitar strings a choking hazard? We have Dr. Robertson here from Weedner General Hospital to comment on the subject."
"Oh my, why do they let her on TV?"
"Jules..."
"Seriously, do they know what a stylist is here?"
"Jules..."
"I thought you people would at least have some standards for who you put in the media."
"JULES!"
"What Randy!?"
"Get out of my house."
Jules didn't really put up a fight. Maybe it was the look on Paul's face. Maybe it was because she knew she was over the line.
"Where's Jules?" Sammy said when she got home.
"She went home."
"Oh... oh, okay. I knew I should have put the other linens on the bed. I shouldn't have gone to work. This is all my fault."
"Sammy, this one's all me. I can't put up with her. She's just so... so awful!"
"But she's family. She's the only family I have, Paul. I know how she's like. She makes me so angry and upset! She turned so bitter. I don't know what to do."
"Sammy, I'm your family. Right here."
And with that, Jules was not needed to make a visit for some time. Sammy got along fine with the occasional phone call and birthday cards. She had all that she needed in Weedner.
_______________
I forgot how much I liked writing these.
Just a girl that's still unequipped for the real world, but working on it; one blog post at a time.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
New day
I don't know what's the matter with me but I'm snapping out if it. Starting now.
I may be tired and piled with ISU's but screw it! I'm going to get it done. Because that's what I've always done.
Have you ever stepped back and said, "Blurg, I need to make some changes with my life." I just did because I didn't like what I saw.
I am not worthless.
I just thought I would let you know that. More Hearts & Dog-Tags soon, I promise. I've also been trying my luck at song writing again. Hopefully I can do that too!
Kay, bye!
I may be tired and piled with ISU's but screw it! I'm going to get it done. Because that's what I've always done.
Have you ever stepped back and said, "Blurg, I need to make some changes with my life." I just did because I didn't like what I saw.
I am not worthless.
I just thought I would let you know that. More Hearts & Dog-Tags soon, I promise. I've also been trying my luck at song writing again. Hopefully I can do that too!
Kay, bye!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Giving yourself tattoos
I have this problem with Sharpies. When one is in front of me I have to draw on something that isn't necessarily supposed to be drawn on, or draw on myself.
I like to stick to areas that are easily covered, like my shoulder, feet, stomach. This is what I did tonight:
I like to stick to areas that are easily covered, like my shoulder, feet, stomach. This is what I did tonight:
I don't know what the box thing is. It probably has something to do with this:
This is why I got the Sharpie out to begin with. The hexagon came first then I just added on. As I was drawing it I was thinking of a person in the future that found it. They were excavating my room like we would do of things of the past.
So, he found it and couldn't figure out what it was. He spent his whole life trying to uncover the meaning behind these shapes. Somehow a tip leads him to Thailand where he hopes to decode the meaning. The man doesn't find what he's looking for but not all it lost. He meets a woman and they fall in love and he's happy. All because of a teenage girl's doodles of nonsense.
The other symbol on my arm is my failed rendition of the Chinese symbol for hope. I know those are very cliché and I would never get one for real, but I just like how if someone did see it, they wouldn't know what it meant unless they asked me. And I would tell them hope because we all need a little reminder sometimes.
Then the Chinese man would say, "No, it actually means 'white hooker'."
Today was not a good day. I think I need some help, mentally and with my Guitar Hero skills because they are both lacking.
Fuck. I just wanted to say it. Seems like I've been saying it a lot today. FUCK. I don't even know why I'm doing this. I don't like this getting too personal. But what else is a blog for?
Today was not a good day.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Random nonsense
RUD DO DO DO DO, Gimme a beat boy and free my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away ay ay..
I
I'm really not in the blogging mood. I get in these moods.
am
Wouldn't it be fun to be a pilgrim?
secretly
Wouldn't it be awkward if animals could talk in our languages? Do you think we would still kill them?
telling
I'm going to post my Hearts & Dog-Tags soon. Do you like the & better? I do.
you
I've been on strike. Picket signs and all. That was a lie.
that
I've just been feeling down lately. That makes me not want to blog. I blog when I'm angry and various other moods.
I
Again with my moods.
like
One of my orchid buds opened! I feel like a new mother.
to
Are you doing this to me because I don't share you love for unicorns!?
get
I have a pile of cranes on my desk that I have to hang but I'm too lazy to.
lost
I think folding cranes is my OCD.
I don' know anymore.
I brought the PS2 into my room today because I was feeling nostalgic.
I also don't know if I will do anymore covers.
I also wanted to drive around on GTA like nobody's business.
I don't work well with cameras.
I have a feeling that homework will be left incomplete for Monday.
This all happened on Thursday.
Do you like how I space out my blogs in awkward paragraphs?
I don't know what to do.
I can feel a migraine coming on. I love them so much. Nawt.
Maybe there is nothing to do.
Migraine looks like margarine.
Secret notes ftw, this isn't the first one.
wud u stil read ths blog if i type like this? i dun see noffin rong.
Maybe for this blog.
I'm sorry for your eyes.
You so sexy.
I lkie how you konw waht tihs syas. Do you aslo fnid tihs ietnrtsenig?
I wonder if you will find this.
It was hard to write interesting like that. Too many letters.
Probably.
Today was a good day.
Sigh. I don't know what's wrong with me.
BTW. There is a secret message in this post. Good luck n00bs. (Rhymes with boobs).
I
I'm really not in the blogging mood. I get in these moods.
am
Wouldn't it be fun to be a pilgrim?
secretly
Wouldn't it be awkward if animals could talk in our languages? Do you think we would still kill them?
telling
I'm going to post my Hearts & Dog-Tags soon. Do you like the & better? I do.
you
I've been on strike. Picket signs and all. That was a lie.
that
I've just been feeling down lately. That makes me not want to blog. I blog when I'm angry and various other moods.
I
Again with my moods.
like
One of my orchid buds opened! I feel like a new mother.
to
Are you doing this to me because I don't share you love for unicorns!?
get
I have a pile of cranes on my desk that I have to hang but I'm too lazy to.
lost
I think folding cranes is my OCD.
I don' know anymore.
I brought the PS2 into my room today because I was feeling nostalgic.
I also don't know if I will do anymore covers.
I also wanted to drive around on GTA like nobody's business.
I don't work well with cameras.
I have a feeling that homework will be left incomplete for Monday.
This all happened on Thursday.
Do you like how I space out my blogs in awkward paragraphs?
I don't know what to do.
I can feel a migraine coming on. I love them so much. Nawt.
Maybe there is nothing to do.
Migraine looks like margarine.
Secret notes ftw, this isn't the first one.
wud u stil read ths blog if i type like this? i dun see noffin rong.
Maybe for this blog.
I'm sorry for your eyes.
You so sexy.
I lkie how you konw waht tihs syas. Do you aslo fnid tihs ietnrtsenig?
I wonder if you will find this.
It was hard to write interesting like that. Too many letters.
Probably.
Today was a good day.
Sigh. I don't know what's wrong with me.
BTW. There is a secret message in this post. Good luck n00bs. (Rhymes with boobs).
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Justified furry
Hello ladies and gentlemen, today I am here to rant about my horrific afternoon. This is an afternoon to end all afternoons. Yes, I am overreacting. But I'm angry and sometimes my chill physique has to be altered.
This all started at the beginning of lunch. Our Rankin Run t-shirts were in and I'm the first one in line by chance. I tell the lovely grade 10's my name and they hand me a bag. Those lovely grade 10's turn into dumb bitches as I walk upstairs because I notice the size is medium, not small.
And for the record, they are in mens sizes so even the small is pretty large so the medium was enormous on me. So, I just say, "Whatever, I will go back down after lunch." After my enjoyable eating experience I head back downstairs to get this t-shirt ordeal straightened out.
"Hey, you gave me a medium when I was supposed to get a small..." They ask for my name again and check the folder.
"It says medium on here..." Says grade 10 #1.
"But I said a small... Can't you just switch it?"
"No, then someone else's order might get messed up." Says grade 10 #2.
"Well, is there someone else I can talk to? I asked for a small." They told me to go to someone but I was like screw it. I will handle it tomorrow.
It just really pissed me off though because when I signed up for the Rankin Run my English teacher asked me for the size and I said small and she was like, "Okay, small." It's not like she didn't hear me correctly. And it's also not like I asked for a medium, took it out of the bag and realized it was huge then went to ask for a small.
I used to be the kind of person who probably wouldn't do anything about it. Just let it be. But not now. I am determined to get the correct shirt size even if I have to sneak in and switch them myself.
So, this wasn't even a big deal. I might have punched my locker out of frustration and scared Nathan, but I'm over it. I'll get it sorted out. The real problem happened when I got home. My fifth period was cancelled so I just came home for the afternoon.
My mother and I decided to go get haircuts. My mom wanted the works. I just wanted a simple trim. I liked my hair. I liked how it would fall in front of my face and I would casually swoop it back. I liked the length. Oh, how I miss it.
All I wanted was to kill off some of the split-ends. That. Was. All. But my dreams were crushed by Darlene. I'm not just saying, "Wow, that bitch was retarded." I honestly think she had a mental disability. I do not think she should be allowed to hold scissors.
I experienced all 5 stages of grief from this hair-cut. Let me walk you through it.
1. Denial- This happened when she took the first cut off my bangs. If my bangs were 10cm before, they are 3cm now. I just couldn't believe she just did that.
2. Anger- This happened after the haircut was complete. WHAT DID SHE DO TO MY HAIR. Also, she wanted me to pay $5 to dry it. So my hair was soaking wet. I hate you Darlene. My life soon changed to drinking iced coffee and hating everything even more. For the record, iced coffee is pretty gross.
3. Bargaining- This was a short one. It went something like, "I'll win the lottery, buy the place and fire Darlene if this hit man doesn't work out." The whole thing backfired.
4. Depression- I have to go to school like this. I have to wait until this grows back. I'm going to go cry in the corner.
5. Acceptance- At the end of the day, it's just hair. Deep breaths. Look on the bright side; your hair looks more like Tina Fey's now. Yes, that is your bright side. You are really messed up. Looks like life is getting back to normal.
I'm always the one to tell someone, "Oh, your haircut isn't that bad, stop being upset." But maybe that's because I never had a haircut I've despised before. I now understand.
The only thing that really boggles my mind is WHY. I asked her to trim my bangs, not chop the shit out of them. I just don't understand what she was thinking. Needless to say, she did not get a tip.
This all started at the beginning of lunch. Our Rankin Run t-shirts were in and I'm the first one in line by chance. I tell the lovely grade 10's my name and they hand me a bag. Those lovely grade 10's turn into dumb bitches as I walk upstairs because I notice the size is medium, not small.
And for the record, they are in mens sizes so even the small is pretty large so the medium was enormous on me. So, I just say, "Whatever, I will go back down after lunch." After my enjoyable eating experience I head back downstairs to get this t-shirt ordeal straightened out.
"Hey, you gave me a medium when I was supposed to get a small..." They ask for my name again and check the folder.
"It says medium on here..." Says grade 10 #1.
"But I said a small... Can't you just switch it?"
"No, then someone else's order might get messed up." Says grade 10 #2.
"Well, is there someone else I can talk to? I asked for a small." They told me to go to someone but I was like screw it. I will handle it tomorrow.
It just really pissed me off though because when I signed up for the Rankin Run my English teacher asked me for the size and I said small and she was like, "Okay, small." It's not like she didn't hear me correctly. And it's also not like I asked for a medium, took it out of the bag and realized it was huge then went to ask for a small.
I used to be the kind of person who probably wouldn't do anything about it. Just let it be. But not now. I am determined to get the correct shirt size even if I have to sneak in and switch them myself.
So, this wasn't even a big deal. I might have punched my locker out of frustration and scared Nathan, but I'm over it. I'll get it sorted out. The real problem happened when I got home. My fifth period was cancelled so I just came home for the afternoon.
My mother and I decided to go get haircuts. My mom wanted the works. I just wanted a simple trim. I liked my hair. I liked how it would fall in front of my face and I would casually swoop it back. I liked the length. Oh, how I miss it.
All I wanted was to kill off some of the split-ends. That. Was. All. But my dreams were crushed by Darlene. I'm not just saying, "Wow, that bitch was retarded." I honestly think she had a mental disability. I do not think she should be allowed to hold scissors.
I experienced all 5 stages of grief from this hair-cut. Let me walk you through it.
1. Denial- This happened when she took the first cut off my bangs. If my bangs were 10cm before, they are 3cm now. I just couldn't believe she just did that.
2. Anger- This happened after the haircut was complete. WHAT DID SHE DO TO MY HAIR. Also, she wanted me to pay $5 to dry it. So my hair was soaking wet. I hate you Darlene. My life soon changed to drinking iced coffee and hating everything even more. For the record, iced coffee is pretty gross.
3. Bargaining- This was a short one. It went something like, "I'll win the lottery, buy the place and fire Darlene if this hit man doesn't work out." The whole thing backfired.
4. Depression- I have to go to school like this. I have to wait until this grows back. I'm going to go cry in the corner.
5. Acceptance- At the end of the day, it's just hair. Deep breaths. Look on the bright side; your hair looks more like Tina Fey's now. Yes, that is your bright side. You are really messed up. Looks like life is getting back to normal.
I'm always the one to tell someone, "Oh, your haircut isn't that bad, stop being upset." But maybe that's because I never had a haircut I've despised before. I now understand.
The only thing that really boggles my mind is WHY. I asked her to trim my bangs, not chop the shit out of them. I just don't understand what she was thinking. Needless to say, she did not get a tip.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Lost
I've started to watch the seasons of Lost and I'm so intrigued by it. I'm not one that loves turn around story plots and weird outcomes. I'm all about character development. I love watching what happens to the characters and how they are changing and who their friends are and who they fall in love with.
So, as I'm watching this show, I tend to shout things at the screen. A lot. Someone will be doing something stupid and there I will be yelling, "Fuck you! Nooo!" And when I'm feeling more silent I will just give the finger to someone. It's not all negative, I also yell things like, "Make-out more!" and, "I love you Kate!"
I always pick a favourite character. For some people, they always pick a person off to the side. I always pick the main characters. For Lost, it's Kate. For 30 Rock, it's Liz. For The Office, it's Pam. For Chuck, it's Sarah. I guess I pick the character that I strive to be or have similar characteristics with. Kate has a messed up past but that doesn't define her. She made herself new on the island. She is a strong, independent woman.
I guess what I'm getting at is that it would be so awesome to have a brand new start. Even if that means crashing on a deserted island with a bunch of strangers. Would you re-invent yourself? Would you show them who you really are? Would you try and connect at all?
Crazy? Yes.
The island on Lost might not be ideal, with it's polar bears, weird buttons and the Others. But it would be cool. Just to have that experience. Even if you couldn't share it with anyone because you don't really have a chance in hell of actually getting rescued.
I would probably die in the first week without internet though. But would it be as bad because it's not like a computer is sitting in front of you? So many questions. Another one being what do the girls do when they get their periods...?
Maybe I will just longboard to Australia and then fly Sydney to L.A. and see what happens.
So, as I'm watching this show, I tend to shout things at the screen. A lot. Someone will be doing something stupid and there I will be yelling, "Fuck you! Nooo!" And when I'm feeling more silent I will just give the finger to someone. It's not all negative, I also yell things like, "Make-out more!" and, "I love you Kate!"
I always pick a favourite character. For some people, they always pick a person off to the side. I always pick the main characters. For Lost, it's Kate. For 30 Rock, it's Liz. For The Office, it's Pam. For Chuck, it's Sarah. I guess I pick the character that I strive to be or have similar characteristics with. Kate has a messed up past but that doesn't define her. She made herself new on the island. She is a strong, independent woman.
I guess what I'm getting at is that it would be so awesome to have a brand new start. Even if that means crashing on a deserted island with a bunch of strangers. Would you re-invent yourself? Would you show them who you really are? Would you try and connect at all?
Crazy? Yes.
The island on Lost might not be ideal, with it's polar bears, weird buttons and the Others. But it would be cool. Just to have that experience. Even if you couldn't share it with anyone because you don't really have a chance in hell of actually getting rescued.
I would probably die in the first week without internet though. But would it be as bad because it's not like a computer is sitting in front of you? So many questions. Another one being what do the girls do when they get their periods...?
Maybe I will just longboard to Australia and then fly Sydney to L.A. and see what happens.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Freezies
I spent all day writing a comparative essay for Macbeth. It was not fun.
I didn't do any of my history homework but screw it. Even though it's like 12 I'm going to watch another episode of Lost and eat some more Freezies.
I'm feeling pretty insane. I'm not going to sleep tonight. I'm all typed out. I need Lost and Freezies.
Side note: These Freezies have been in the freezer for over 24 hours and only some are frozen and some are not at all. This confuses me deeply.
I didn't do any of my history homework but screw it. Even though it's like 12 I'm going to watch another episode of Lost and eat some more Freezies.
I'm feeling pretty insane. I'm not going to sleep tonight. I'm all typed out. I need Lost and Freezies.
Side note: These Freezies have been in the freezer for over 24 hours and only some are frozen and some are not at all. This confuses me deeply.
 |
| This will be me at 3am. |
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Open windows
How did it get so hot so suddenly!? I am not a fan of the heat. I like sweat-pants and hoodies not short-shorts and tank-tops. I do not own any short-shorts for the record. That's a lie, let's rephrase. I will not wear them out in public. I honestly don't know why. It's just something that I don't like and don't feel comfortable in. (Bring out the psychiatrist.)
The hot weather poses a problem. Sweat-pants turn into sweat soaked pants. Hoodies turn out into straight jackets. You just cannot wear them in the hot weather and I die a little bit. Like right now I am sitting in my room with light, long lounge around pants that I adore and an Owl City t-shirt with a tank-top underneath with my window open. And I'm dying. BRB.
As I was changing I managed to trip and stub the toes and scratch the top of one foot and twist the ankle on the other. Classic Stephanie. Anyways, let's get to the point of this post.
It's a sad day when you open your window for some fresh air and the wind blowing in is warmer then the air in your room. It's also a sad day when it's the first really nice day and all you hear is fucking kids screaming and playing. As an old grouch all I want to do and yell at them. It being the long weekend firecrackers are going off. They never fail to scare the shit out of me every single boom.
It's 10:30 and kids are still screaming. Shouldn't they be in bed? Shouldn't these dumbasses with the fireworks give it a break? I can't wait to be an old lady. It will be acceptable for me to call the cops so the loud noises don't interrupt SNL for me. Yes, this is if the whole 'me becoming an old spinster' works out.
Maybe I'm jealous of these children. I heard these boys that live near us saying things like, "Zomg, hide-and-go-seek tag!" and, "I found you Evan!" and, "Shit, my bong broke!" I hate kids these days.
Another thing I am used to is sleeping with two comforters. I like me some bulk. Lately it's like, oh, it's kind of warm for this. Tonight it's going to be like, clothes?
Warm weather makes sleeping impossible. Insomnia thrives on heat. You would think that summer would make sleeping easier because there is no stress from school. Nope. I roll around endlessly dying of heat stroke and wishing someone would kill me already.
We opened our pool today. It's really green and makes me crave Kool-Aid.
I did some homework today also. Family was supposed to come over but at like 2 they called and were like, naw, we'll come tomorrow. Facepalm. I wanted to get it over with. Today made me realize how much I don't like spending time with my family. I hate eating dinner with them. I hate having to talk to them. I hate having to turn off their fucking TV's because they are too retarded to do so themselves.
This isn't even like cousins and uncles and junk. This is my mom, dad and brother. This may be teenage angst, but you don't live in my house.
Long story short: I hate everything and I'm the worst. Also, my feet hurt.
Can someone please come shut these neighbors up any means possible and make it so they cannot get near the fireworks? It would be much appreciated. My other neighbors gave us baked goods though, so I'm cool with them.
My brother just came in and I had to explain to him that I understand how to close a window. I wonder what my family would do if they read this blog. Let's hope they never do. I just heard a firetruck, maybe my neighbors lit themselves on fire.
I guess there really is a God.
The hot weather poses a problem. Sweat-pants turn into sweat soaked pants. Hoodies turn out into straight jackets. You just cannot wear them in the hot weather and I die a little bit. Like right now I am sitting in my room with light, long lounge around pants that I adore and an Owl City t-shirt with a tank-top underneath with my window open. And I'm dying. BRB.
As I was changing I managed to trip and stub the toes and scratch the top of one foot and twist the ankle on the other. Classic Stephanie. Anyways, let's get to the point of this post.
It's a sad day when you open your window for some fresh air and the wind blowing in is warmer then the air in your room. It's also a sad day when it's the first really nice day and all you hear is fucking kids screaming and playing. As an old grouch all I want to do and yell at them. It being the long weekend firecrackers are going off. They never fail to scare the shit out of me every single boom.
It's 10:30 and kids are still screaming. Shouldn't they be in bed? Shouldn't these dumbasses with the fireworks give it a break? I can't wait to be an old lady. It will be acceptable for me to call the cops so the loud noises don't interrupt SNL for me. Yes, this is if the whole 'me becoming an old spinster' works out.
Maybe I'm jealous of these children. I heard these boys that live near us saying things like, "Zomg, hide-and-go-seek tag!" and, "I found you Evan!" and, "Shit, my bong broke!" I hate kids these days.
Another thing I am used to is sleeping with two comforters. I like me some bulk. Lately it's like, oh, it's kind of warm for this. Tonight it's going to be like, clothes?
Warm weather makes sleeping impossible. Insomnia thrives on heat. You would think that summer would make sleeping easier because there is no stress from school. Nope. I roll around endlessly dying of heat stroke and wishing someone would kill me already.
We opened our pool today. It's really green and makes me crave Kool-Aid.
I did some homework today also. Family was supposed to come over but at like 2 they called and were like, naw, we'll come tomorrow. Facepalm. I wanted to get it over with. Today made me realize how much I don't like spending time with my family. I hate eating dinner with them. I hate having to talk to them. I hate having to turn off their fucking TV's because they are too retarded to do so themselves.
This isn't even like cousins and uncles and junk. This is my mom, dad and brother. This may be teenage angst, but you don't live in my house.
Long story short: I hate everything and I'm the worst. Also, my feet hurt.
Can someone please come shut these neighbors up any means possible and make it so they cannot get near the fireworks? It would be much appreciated. My other neighbors gave us baked goods though, so I'm cool with them.
My brother just came in and I had to explain to him that I understand how to close a window. I wonder what my family would do if they read this blog. Let's hope they never do. I just heard a firetruck, maybe my neighbors lit themselves on fire.
I guess there really is a God.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Hearts & Dog-Tags 7
Ahhh, sickness. I've been dead for two years, I just haven't fallen over yet. I had a nap from like 7:30 to 10:30. I'm still all messed from it. I just ate a spicy meat stick and it was delicious and my mouth burns in a good way. Whoever thought of putting meat in sick form, I applaud you.
This segment brought to you by shitty day of school.
"Paul, please be quiet."
"Sammy, I'm working."
"How is trying to play guitar working?"
"You will see."
"Whatever, I'm going into the bedroom. Please try to keep it down."
Paul was taken aback. Sammy wasn't one to leave a room. She usually just put up with Paul's shenanigans with a grimace on her face. Paul could remember the last time Sammy just went into their bedroom to be alone. There was only one other time. The flashbacks came back to him.
"Sammy, please, it's not that bad."
"Paul, seriously, get away from me. I can't be around you right now." The tears started flowing.
"Sammy, don't cry. Everything will be okay, I promise."
"How could you promise anything right now? You can't guarantee anything Paul."
"I'll fix this Sammy."
"I need to be alone right now. Sleep on the couch; don't bother me."
When Sammy walked into the bedroom today she didn't state any sleeping arrangements. Paul hated sleeping on the couch. It's too small to stretch out and not comfy enough to be worth it. He checked the time, it was 4:28pm. Paul had approximatively six and a half hours to figure out what's wrong and how he could fix it. It wouldn't be like last time.
Paul slowly knock on the bedroom door, "Sammy, do you want a sandwich?"
"What kind of sandwich?"
"Whatever kind you want baby."
"If the world was like that, you would go to Subway and get me a foot-long meatball sub. Sadly, it isn't. I guess a PB and J will do that same trick."
"O...okay Hun."
Paul was scared. Sammy isn't one for angry sarcasm on how the world should be. Paul only had one option: to go to Subway and get her the sub she wanted. He checked his wallet. Paul had seven dollars in change. He could buy Sammy's sub no problem, but could he get in the car knowing he will not be able to get himself a sub?
Paul could probably do this. But who's going to stop him from eating half of it on the ride home? Paul was in a panic. After ten minutes he came up with a game plan. Paul would order the sub, walk a safe distance away so no smell would reach him. He would carry the sub an arms-length out while sprinting back to the car. The toughest thing must be done next. Paul had to resist the urges and open the truck where he would place the sub for a safe journey home.
Against all odds, Paul was successful.
"Sammy, look what I've got!"
"Paul, wow, you didn't have to do this. I didn't expect anything, I was just kidding."
"I know... But you deserve it."
"Did you get one for yourself?"
"No, this is all for you."
"Let's split it."
Paul was happy but still confused. Sammy was happy but still in their room. Paul feared she would close the door again when she got her half. He had to act now.
"Sammy, I need to be honest with you."
"This isn't another dumpster sub, is it? Paul, seriously."
"No, no, it's just that I'm worried."
"Worried about what?"
"Well, it's just that the last time you went into our room during the day..."
"Oh, Paul I didn't even think of that. I'm sorry, I was just reading though. Sometimes we all need our alone time. Here, let's go eat in the kitchen."
"Okay Sammy, thanks."
Sammy didn't like to think about her last alone time either. Paul and her just moved into Paul's deceased uncle's house and things were going fine. Paul had a steady job as a mechanic and Sammy was planning to go back to school to become a nurse.
When Paul came home that day he told Sammy that he got fired. This meant no money, a house to pay for and again, no money. Sammy of course asked what happened. Turns out Paul never had the right schooling to be around cars, let alone fixing them. People were threatening to sue the company.
This was of course a pretty big scandal in Weedner. The papers dubbed Paul 'unemployable'. Sammy ended her dreams of becoming Weedner's best nurse and got a part time job at the news station. Paul is doing nothing, but everything at the same time from home.
Sammy got promoted quickly and loves her job now. Paul will never have a real job again. Sammy gets paid more the Paul did at his job and all is good.
"I love you."
"I love you too." And they bit into their subs.
"About that dumpster sub thing..."
"Paul! Gross!"
"I'm kidding!"
Paul was not sent to sleep on the couch tonight.o the stress with the torpor of a possum
This segment brought to you by shitty day of school.
"Paul, please be quiet."
"Sammy, I'm working."
"How is trying to play guitar working?"
"You will see."
"Whatever, I'm going into the bedroom. Please try to keep it down."
Paul was taken aback. Sammy wasn't one to leave a room. She usually just put up with Paul's shenanigans with a grimace on her face. Paul could remember the last time Sammy just went into their bedroom to be alone. There was only one other time. The flashbacks came back to him.
"Sammy, please, it's not that bad."
"Paul, seriously, get away from me. I can't be around you right now." The tears started flowing.
"Sammy, don't cry. Everything will be okay, I promise."
"How could you promise anything right now? You can't guarantee anything Paul."
"I'll fix this Sammy."
"I need to be alone right now. Sleep on the couch; don't bother me."
When Sammy walked into the bedroom today she didn't state any sleeping arrangements. Paul hated sleeping on the couch. It's too small to stretch out and not comfy enough to be worth it. He checked the time, it was 4:28pm. Paul had approximatively six and a half hours to figure out what's wrong and how he could fix it. It wouldn't be like last time.
Paul slowly knock on the bedroom door, "Sammy, do you want a sandwich?"
"What kind of sandwich?"
"Whatever kind you want baby."
"If the world was like that, you would go to Subway and get me a foot-long meatball sub. Sadly, it isn't. I guess a PB and J will do that same trick."
"O...okay Hun."
Paul was scared. Sammy isn't one for angry sarcasm on how the world should be. Paul only had one option: to go to Subway and get her the sub she wanted. He checked his wallet. Paul had seven dollars in change. He could buy Sammy's sub no problem, but could he get in the car knowing he will not be able to get himself a sub?
Paul could probably do this. But who's going to stop him from eating half of it on the ride home? Paul was in a panic. After ten minutes he came up with a game plan. Paul would order the sub, walk a safe distance away so no smell would reach him. He would carry the sub an arms-length out while sprinting back to the car. The toughest thing must be done next. Paul had to resist the urges and open the truck where he would place the sub for a safe journey home.
Against all odds, Paul was successful.
"Sammy, look what I've got!"
"Paul, wow, you didn't have to do this. I didn't expect anything, I was just kidding."
"I know... But you deserve it."
"Did you get one for yourself?"
"No, this is all for you."
"Let's split it."
Paul was happy but still confused. Sammy was happy but still in their room. Paul feared she would close the door again when she got her half. He had to act now.
"Sammy, I need to be honest with you."
"This isn't another dumpster sub, is it? Paul, seriously."
"No, no, it's just that I'm worried."
"Worried about what?"
"Well, it's just that the last time you went into our room during the day..."
"Oh, Paul I didn't even think of that. I'm sorry, I was just reading though. Sometimes we all need our alone time. Here, let's go eat in the kitchen."
"Okay Sammy, thanks."
Sammy didn't like to think about her last alone time either. Paul and her just moved into Paul's deceased uncle's house and things were going fine. Paul had a steady job as a mechanic and Sammy was planning to go back to school to become a nurse.
When Paul came home that day he told Sammy that he got fired. This meant no money, a house to pay for and again, no money. Sammy of course asked what happened. Turns out Paul never had the right schooling to be around cars, let alone fixing them. People were threatening to sue the company.
This was of course a pretty big scandal in Weedner. The papers dubbed Paul 'unemployable'. Sammy ended her dreams of becoming Weedner's best nurse and got a part time job at the news station. Paul is doing nothing, but everything at the same time from home.
Sammy got promoted quickly and loves her job now. Paul will never have a real job again. Sammy gets paid more the Paul did at his job and all is good.
"I love you."
"I love you too." And they bit into their subs.
"About that dumpster sub thing..."
"Paul! Gross!"
"I'm kidding!"
Paul was not sent to sleep on the couch tonight.o the stress with the torpor of a possum
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Galaxies
I shot this last week and I don't think I've picked up an instrument since. That's kind of sad. I've been busy though! Hell, who are we kidding, I watched season one of Lost. That is some freaky shit right there. I told myself that I would not watch any Lost today, and I haven't. When I got home I spent a while reading a hundred pages of Bossypants in one sitting. It was awesome.
It's been a weird day. Just different. I had to catch up on all the work I missed on Monday and Tuesday. Turns out it's quite a bit. You're probably like, why didn't you do that yesterday? Well, my chemistry and soc teachers were both substitutes and my history class was cancelled. And I went to English on Tuesday, it was a horrible experience, but at least I don't have to catch up on anything. Except a fucking essay due Tuesday. EVERYTHING IS DUE TUESDAY. Thanks 'long weekend'.
My history class, or ancient civilizations to get fancy, is last period. We have DEAR (Drop Everything And Read) every Thursday in interchangeable periods. It was last period today. So, at the beginning of class we go to the library to work on some project he handed out. "What project?" says Stephanie. So, I ask my teacher and he's all, chill I'll get it for you after. So I chill with my home-girl.
DEAR is for half the period, so when Teacher says, "Kay guys, get to work." I go over to him and he's all like, "One sec, you're impatient today, laugh laugh." And I go, "Yeah, laugh laugh." I did notice he has very cool looking eyes. Weird? Probably.
So, when he gets the sheets printed off he calls me over. I, of course, have to go across the library to get the sheets at the printer. So, I get them and go over to talk to him about what the hell we are even doing. So Teacher says, "Blah blah portfolio, something about mini projects." I'm not excited about this. "Wait, what am I supposed to do now?" I ask. "Well, the class is on the second part." He tells me. "What do I do for the first part?" I still don't understand the project as I'm writing this. "Just ask your pals over there for it, I'm not going to make you do it. It's not like you were out smoking crack." That's my teacher. Because I'm a sarcastic, hilarious person, I answer, "Well..." We both laugh.
Thinking about it now, that probably was weird, or at least very surprising to him. At school, my peers do not perceive me as a hilarious person. I don't do well with social interaction. But, I think I can check that conservation off as successful. Maybe he will tell my other teachers that I'm a closet funny.
Oh yeah, the cover. Funny story about this one. It took forever to take. The best take I had, the camera was pointed at my crotch. Good times. This one I think is rushed, but whatever. It's a good song, so listen to Adam's voice.
Well, this has been long, but fun. That's what she said. I really have to pee. I drink too much iced-tea. Tomorrow it will be gone though, sadface.
Awkward, but casual goodbye.
It's been a weird day. Just different. I had to catch up on all the work I missed on Monday and Tuesday. Turns out it's quite a bit. You're probably like, why didn't you do that yesterday? Well, my chemistry and soc teachers were both substitutes and my history class was cancelled. And I went to English on Tuesday, it was a horrible experience, but at least I don't have to catch up on anything. Except a fucking essay due Tuesday. EVERYTHING IS DUE TUESDAY. Thanks 'long weekend'.
My history class, or ancient civilizations to get fancy, is last period. We have DEAR (Drop Everything And Read) every Thursday in interchangeable periods. It was last period today. So, at the beginning of class we go to the library to work on some project he handed out. "What project?" says Stephanie. So, I ask my teacher and he's all, chill I'll get it for you after. So I chill with my home-girl.
DEAR is for half the period, so when Teacher says, "Kay guys, get to work." I go over to him and he's all like, "One sec, you're impatient today, laugh laugh." And I go, "Yeah, laugh laugh." I did notice he has very cool looking eyes. Weird? Probably.
So, when he gets the sheets printed off he calls me over. I, of course, have to go across the library to get the sheets at the printer. So, I get them and go over to talk to him about what the hell we are even doing. So Teacher says, "Blah blah portfolio, something about mini projects." I'm not excited about this. "Wait, what am I supposed to do now?" I ask. "Well, the class is on the second part." He tells me. "What do I do for the first part?" I still don't understand the project as I'm writing this. "Just ask your pals over there for it, I'm not going to make you do it. It's not like you were out smoking crack." That's my teacher. Because I'm a sarcastic, hilarious person, I answer, "Well..." We both laugh.
Thinking about it now, that probably was weird, or at least very surprising to him. At school, my peers do not perceive me as a hilarious person. I don't do well with social interaction. But, I think I can check that conservation off as successful. Maybe he will tell my other teachers that I'm a closet funny.
Oh yeah, the cover. Funny story about this one. It took forever to take. The best take I had, the camera was pointed at my crotch. Good times. This one I think is rushed, but whatever. It's a good song, so listen to Adam's voice.
Well, this has been long, but fun. That's what she said. I really have to pee. I drink too much iced-tea. Tomorrow it will be gone though, sadface.
Awkward, but casual goodbye.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
It's someones birthday
Yes friends, today is Tina Fey's birthday. Today she turns the big 41.
After all this talk about Tina, you are probably wondering why I even like her so much. Honestly, there a bunch of reasons why I look up to her. She is my idol. Let's get all corny for a second.
Tina Fey grew up in a normal family in a normal town. When she was five she was attacked by a man holding a knife. That's why she has a scar on her face.
So now we have this girl, with a visible scar on her face. Now we have this woman that is on television.
Tina is a writer. She was always behind the camera. But that changed when it became Weekend Update with Tina Fey. While writing for Saturday Night Live she got a chance to be in front of the camera. Brown hair, brown eyes, glasses. Classic.
Now she obviously stars in 30 Rock. The show she created and writes for. Tina also wrote the screen play for Mean Girls, and stars in many of my favourite movies, such as Baby Mama, Date Night and Megamind. On top of that, she has won numerous awards for her work.
Tina Fey is awesomely talented and hilarious. Let's celebrate her.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Hearts & Dog-Tags 6
Ugh, sickness! Upside, I've been watching a lot of Lost. This one is inspired by Lost. 4realz.
"You said you knew where we were!"
"I do, just give me a second."
"Paul, we have been walking around for hours."
"Sammy, it has not been hours in the plural sense."
"Well, it's going to be! Then it's going to get dark and we are going to get eaten."
"What is going to eat us?"
"Bears! Coyotes! Rabid skunks! I don't know Paul! There could be anything out here."
"Look on the bright side. If we do get eaten, at least it will make an awesome news story."
"That I won't be around to tell!"
Paul and Sammy have gotten themselves into a little predicament. And of course by Paul and Sammy I mean Paul has gotten Sammy into a pretty large predicament. Paul's intentions are always good. It's not like he's luring her out to murder her. He was actually planning a surprise.
Paul got up bright and early for once, even before Sammy was awake. He followed the trail into Stone Throws forest with his supplies. The sun was just making an appearance over the horizon. Paul was excited, a little too excited.
Stone Throws forest was a mysterious and romantic wood. Paul knew this but that's not why he picked this wood. He chose Stone Throw forest because it was pretty much their backyard. There is a nice trail that goes throughout the wood and out the other side.
Paul's plan was to follow the trail about halfway in, set up the stuff, go home and wait until Sammy wakes up then tell her to follow him into the forest. Paul thought this was the best, most romantic surprise that he, or any other man had ever thought of. It very well might have been, if her didn't Paul the situation up.
"Are you sure you went this way?"
"Well, I followed the trail in this direction, yes Sammy!"
"You said 'the' trail."
"Great observation."
"I mean, you didn't say, the left one, or the right one. You just said the trail."
"There is only one trail Sammy."
"No Paul, there are two trails! I'm, turning around."
Paul turned around with Sammy but she didn't speak to him for the hour walk back. When they reached the end, Sammy walked straight into the house. Paul entered the other trail. After the short, ten minute walk he reached his surprise.
Paul set up a table, a vase with roses and a picnic basket filled with Sammy's favourite breakfast food. The sight wasn't as nice as it was this morning. Animals had gotten into the basket and eaten everything leaving a mess.
Paul picked up the vase and brought it out of the forest. Without a word he placed it in the middle of the kitchen table. When Sammy walked into the kitchen she went over to the bouquet and picked up a single rose with a smile.
Without a word, Paul knew this was enough. Sammy wasn't looking for the fancy things in life.
"You said you knew where we were!"
"I do, just give me a second."
"Paul, we have been walking around for hours."
"Sammy, it has not been hours in the plural sense."
"Well, it's going to be! Then it's going to get dark and we are going to get eaten."
"What is going to eat us?"
"Bears! Coyotes! Rabid skunks! I don't know Paul! There could be anything out here."
"Look on the bright side. If we do get eaten, at least it will make an awesome news story."
"That I won't be around to tell!"
Paul and Sammy have gotten themselves into a little predicament. And of course by Paul and Sammy I mean Paul has gotten Sammy into a pretty large predicament. Paul's intentions are always good. It's not like he's luring her out to murder her. He was actually planning a surprise.
Paul got up bright and early for once, even before Sammy was awake. He followed the trail into Stone Throws forest with his supplies. The sun was just making an appearance over the horizon. Paul was excited, a little too excited.
Stone Throws forest was a mysterious and romantic wood. Paul knew this but that's not why he picked this wood. He chose Stone Throw forest because it was pretty much their backyard. There is a nice trail that goes throughout the wood and out the other side.
Paul's plan was to follow the trail about halfway in, set up the stuff, go home and wait until Sammy wakes up then tell her to follow him into the forest. Paul thought this was the best, most romantic surprise that he, or any other man had ever thought of. It very well might have been, if her didn't Paul the situation up.
"Are you sure you went this way?"
"Well, I followed the trail in this direction, yes Sammy!"
"You said 'the' trail."
"Great observation."
"I mean, you didn't say, the left one, or the right one. You just said the trail."
"There is only one trail Sammy."
"No Paul, there are two trails! I'm, turning around."
Paul turned around with Sammy but she didn't speak to him for the hour walk back. When they reached the end, Sammy walked straight into the house. Paul entered the other trail. After the short, ten minute walk he reached his surprise.
Paul set up a table, a vase with roses and a picnic basket filled with Sammy's favourite breakfast food. The sight wasn't as nice as it was this morning. Animals had gotten into the basket and eaten everything leaving a mess.
Paul picked up the vase and brought it out of the forest. Without a word he placed it in the middle of the kitchen table. When Sammy walked into the kitchen she went over to the bouquet and picked up a single rose with a smile.
Without a word, Paul knew this was enough. Sammy wasn't looking for the fancy things in life.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Don't get too excited
I want to just write a post because that's why I made this blog. I do love the story, but I need to just let some stuff fly.
I love the feeling of adding a folder to your library on iTunes. I'm the kind of person who has a hard time adding just one single song to her iTunes. I need the full album. This is why I don't have any, or hardly any 'mainstream' music. Even thought I might find the song catchy, I don't want to listen to it on my free time or want any other song by the artist.
I am a weird iPod user. While some people might click songs and put them on shuffle, I never do that. I always either just click an album or an artist and listen to the full thing then move on to another. And if I don't like a song on an album, I won't delete it, then the album will be incomplete. I just skip the song and give it 1 or 2 stars. I like to rate my music.
38 artists, 57 albums, 558 songs. That is currently. I just want to point out that 49 of those songs come from Owl City...
Another thing I want to talk about is Wikipedia.
I.
Love.
Wiki.
I look everything up on Wikipedia. Everything. Like today I looked up Kristen Wiig, an amazing lady, and now I know about her from one controlled area. I also love looking up how many views my shows have gotten over the years and recently. I just find it so interesting. Granted, it is only from the USA. I find it interesting that the last Parks and Recreation episode only got 3.44 million views, which is the lowest they've ever had. But it was the best episode. Was it because they played two back to back? Probably. Logic. Knowledge.
I also love Google Maps. I love seeing how far things are away. I like knowing where on the map my favourite YouTubers are. I like seeing where they are travelling and how far they are travelling. I just like the visual aspect. I just find it cool. I also find it scary. I think it's so weird that I can use the street view in Japan and see a random person on a bicycle and just sit there and wonder where they are going. I find it scary how North Korea is a blank slate. The future scares me.
I want to be able to listen to a song and tell my kid, "I slow-danced to this song on a rooftop once."
I want to be able to travel some where random and run into a famous person.
I want this part of my life to be over.
I want to move onto the next stage.
I want to not be worried that I hate everything.
We should live until we die.
I love the feeling of adding a folder to your library on iTunes. I'm the kind of person who has a hard time adding just one single song to her iTunes. I need the full album. This is why I don't have any, or hardly any 'mainstream' music. Even thought I might find the song catchy, I don't want to listen to it on my free time or want any other song by the artist.
I am a weird iPod user. While some people might click songs and put them on shuffle, I never do that. I always either just click an album or an artist and listen to the full thing then move on to another. And if I don't like a song on an album, I won't delete it, then the album will be incomplete. I just skip the song and give it 1 or 2 stars. I like to rate my music.
38 artists, 57 albums, 558 songs. That is currently. I just want to point out that 49 of those songs come from Owl City...
Another thing I want to talk about is Wikipedia.
I.
Love.
Wiki.
I look everything up on Wikipedia. Everything. Like today I looked up Kristen Wiig, an amazing lady, and now I know about her from one controlled area. I also love looking up how many views my shows have gotten over the years and recently. I just find it so interesting. Granted, it is only from the USA. I find it interesting that the last Parks and Recreation episode only got 3.44 million views, which is the lowest they've ever had. But it was the best episode. Was it because they played two back to back? Probably. Logic. Knowledge.
I also love Google Maps. I love seeing how far things are away. I like knowing where on the map my favourite YouTubers are. I like seeing where they are travelling and how far they are travelling. I just like the visual aspect. I just find it cool. I also find it scary. I think it's so weird that I can use the street view in Japan and see a random person on a bicycle and just sit there and wonder where they are going. I find it scary how North Korea is a blank slate. The future scares me.
I want to be able to listen to a song and tell my kid, "I slow-danced to this song on a rooftop once."
I want to be able to travel some where random and run into a famous person.
I want this part of my life to be over.
I want to move onto the next stage.
I want to not be worried that I hate everything.
We should live until we die.
Hearts & Dog-Tags 5
Saturdays to me are watching multiple movies in a row. Today I watched Something Borrowed, Despicable Me, and Charlie St. Cloud. It was a pretty good day.
I have been felling off though. I don't know. Just, weird. Let's transfer that into today's segment. It's going to be messed up. Heads up.
"Sammy, come in here for a second!"
"What, I'm busy cooking you dinner!"
"It will only be a second, I swear!"
"Okay, what?" Sammy walked into the living room, "PAUL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?"
"Oh, so you can tell?"
"Yes! What the hell Paul. Seriously, what the hell are you doing?"
"Damn, I'm going to have to make some adjustments."
"You didn't answer my question!"
"Sammy, let me introduce you to the Masturbation Poncho!"
"Oh good God. You're serious."
"I've never been more serious! This is the best idea I've ever had."
Sadly, for Paul, this probably was the best idea he had ever had.
"See, these are going to sell like crazy because everybody does it. Old people, young people, animals. This will just make it easier to do it in public!"
"I am still trying to process the fact that you are serious."
"Babe, can you try on the woman's? I want to see if this one needs adjustment too."
"No Paul, no I will not."
"What ever, I'm sure it is fine."
But it wasn't fine. Paul doesn't think things through much. His logic was that people would use them during long sitting events. For example: a sporting event, a long bus ride or a movie. Paul found it an easy way to give in to your desires without upsetting the public. He truly thought he was doing the public a favor.
"Paul. No one is going to buy this."
"Sammy, this is going to be a big hit!"
"Yeah, for pedophiles. Paul, seriously, I'm just trying to help you."
"Well, I don't need your help! I'm going out tomorrow to test it on the public!"
"If you get arrested, I'm not bailing you out."
"You know how I said I didn't need your help? Well, I take that back. See I just had the best idea. You're in the public eye! You're on TV!"
"No."
"Let me finish! See, all I need you to do is wear it throughout the news show. Then at the end, look into the camera and say, 'You couldn't even tell I was doing it!' Maybe give a wink, and then the ad will flash for the one and only Masturbation Poncho!"
"Okay. Let's make a deal. If things go well tomorrow, I will agree to do that." And they shook hands. Sammy then yelled, "Disgusting!" and went to wash her hands.
Paul went out bright and early... for him. He started at noon. He thought the best way to get his product across was a live demonstration. Paul went down to Cricket Wood Park, the busiest spot during the day, and set up his display.
He put a bunch of folding chairs around and a home-made sign that said, "The Masturbation Poncho! Try it free today!" He was up all night perfecting the poncho.
Paul put on his and went to town. There was immediate interest. By two in the afternoon there were twelve testers that came and went, (pun intended). All of them signed up to buy one for themselves and for their significant other. By three, the order was doubled.
"Hey Paul, how did business go?"
"Before I answer that, what did you exactly mean by, 'If things go well'? I want to make sure you can't back out."
"I meant, if you actually sold any! And I need proof!" Sammy laughed.
Paul held up his order sheet, "Read it and weep! Or just get excited because we're rich baby!"
"I...Are....What? I have to go on TV and promote this..." Realization was washing over Sammy.
Sammy went on her news show wearing the poncho, said her line without enthusiasm and the ad flashed like planned. She did not wink. Paul was watching from home and cheered like there was no tomorrow. Boy, was his mom proud.
You may think this is a happy ending, but local soccer moms shut down the operation when way too many people were using it while at the games. Paul did earn quite a bit of cash though.
Sammy learned to never underestimate Paul because she might have to go on TV and make a fool of herself, again. I guess it was kind of a happy ending.
I have been felling off though. I don't know. Just, weird. Let's transfer that into today's segment. It's going to be messed up. Heads up.
"Sammy, come in here for a second!"
"What, I'm busy cooking you dinner!"
"It will only be a second, I swear!"
"Okay, what?" Sammy walked into the living room, "PAUL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?"
"Oh, so you can tell?"
"Yes! What the hell Paul. Seriously, what the hell are you doing?"
"Damn, I'm going to have to make some adjustments."
"You didn't answer my question!"
"Sammy, let me introduce you to the Masturbation Poncho!"
"Oh good God. You're serious."
"I've never been more serious! This is the best idea I've ever had."
Sadly, for Paul, this probably was the best idea he had ever had.
"See, these are going to sell like crazy because everybody does it. Old people, young people, animals. This will just make it easier to do it in public!"
"I am still trying to process the fact that you are serious."
"Babe, can you try on the woman's? I want to see if this one needs adjustment too."
"No Paul, no I will not."
"What ever, I'm sure it is fine."
But it wasn't fine. Paul doesn't think things through much. His logic was that people would use them during long sitting events. For example: a sporting event, a long bus ride or a movie. Paul found it an easy way to give in to your desires without upsetting the public. He truly thought he was doing the public a favor.
"Paul. No one is going to buy this."
"Sammy, this is going to be a big hit!"
"Yeah, for pedophiles. Paul, seriously, I'm just trying to help you."
"Well, I don't need your help! I'm going out tomorrow to test it on the public!"
"If you get arrested, I'm not bailing you out."
"You know how I said I didn't need your help? Well, I take that back. See I just had the best idea. You're in the public eye! You're on TV!"
"No."
"Let me finish! See, all I need you to do is wear it throughout the news show. Then at the end, look into the camera and say, 'You couldn't even tell I was doing it!' Maybe give a wink, and then the ad will flash for the one and only Masturbation Poncho!"
"Okay. Let's make a deal. If things go well tomorrow, I will agree to do that." And they shook hands. Sammy then yelled, "Disgusting!" and went to wash her hands.
Paul went out bright and early... for him. He started at noon. He thought the best way to get his product across was a live demonstration. Paul went down to Cricket Wood Park, the busiest spot during the day, and set up his display.
He put a bunch of folding chairs around and a home-made sign that said, "The Masturbation Poncho! Try it free today!" He was up all night perfecting the poncho.
Paul put on his and went to town. There was immediate interest. By two in the afternoon there were twelve testers that came and went, (pun intended). All of them signed up to buy one for themselves and for their significant other. By three, the order was doubled.
"Hey Paul, how did business go?"
"Before I answer that, what did you exactly mean by, 'If things go well'? I want to make sure you can't back out."
"I meant, if you actually sold any! And I need proof!" Sammy laughed.
Paul held up his order sheet, "Read it and weep! Or just get excited because we're rich baby!"
"I...Are....What? I have to go on TV and promote this..." Realization was washing over Sammy.
Sammy went on her news show wearing the poncho, said her line without enthusiasm and the ad flashed like planned. She did not wink. Paul was watching from home and cheered like there was no tomorrow. Boy, was his mom proud.
You may think this is a happy ending, but local soccer moms shut down the operation when way too many people were using it while at the games. Paul did earn quite a bit of cash though.
Sammy learned to never underestimate Paul because she might have to go on TV and make a fool of herself, again. I guess it was kind of a happy ending.
________________________________________________________________
I like how this has been the longest one yet.
I wish I finished it before Sunday though, oh well, there will probably be one later too then.
I hope I didn't go too far... Ahahaha. Fun times.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Hearts & Dog-Tags 4
Shitty mood, shitty night, so let's sit down and write, write, write! (I'm sorry you had to read that.) (I'm also going to apologize in advance if this doesn't make sense; I'm really tired.) (I used a semi-colon to avoid a comma-splice error. Thank you English class.) (These brackets are me whispering secrets to you.)
I know there wasn't a cover yesterday. I did record one but Blogger was dead and since it's not Thursday I'm not going to put it on. I know you are all probably crying. Bitches be crazy.
Oh, fun fact: I figured out how the title is going to relate to the story. I've got the last chapter all figured out. Now I actually have to get there. When I write these, I try not to think about them ahead of time. I just gather inspiration and then write. Today's 'chapter' brought to you by the rain because it was raining outside today.
"Where on earth have you been!? It's pouring outside and the cables out and you know I always assume the worst. You better have a good explanation."
"Relax Sammy. I have an awesome story to share. Wait, so the cables still out?"
"Yeah."
"Damn... I guess we have all the time in the world then. See, it all started when I was watching this football game..."
"Paul, who was even playing? You don't even know how football works, yet you watch every game on TV! Why?"
"Shh, don't interrupt me. So, as I was saying, I was watching this football game. The score was tied to like 45-34 or something logical for a football game. Just your average score."
"See! Do you even know what a touchdown is worth?"
"Easy! It all depends on what colour hair the dude has and something. This isn't important! I told you not to interrupt!"
"Okay, sorry, what happened?"
"The football game was really close and the one guy was running down the field! He was just about to do something awesome I bet! But then the cable went out. I didn't know what to do. I sat there just staring at the static screen and listening to that horrible sound it makes. That's when it hit me. Literally, a rain drop fell on my head. That was the first clue to me that it was raining outside and also the first clue to the fact that our roof was leaking."
"Wait! Our roof is leaking!?"
"Sammy, I didn't want it to come to this, but shut your trap and listen. I said was, the roof was leaking. I, Paul Samuel Jackson fixed our roof."
"Paul, that isn't even your last or middle name."
"Sammy... That was a test to see if you'd interrupt again! I'm done telling this story!"
And then it hit Sammy. Literally, a rain drop fell on her head.
"Paul! A rain drop just hit me! I thought you said you fixed the roof!"
"Crap! The bucket must have moved..."
"Wait, what? How did you 'fix' the roof?"
"Simple logic little Sammy. See, when most people have a leak they put a bucket underneath to catch the water. But I wanted to fix it from the outside. So I climbed up on the roof... Oh, by the way, I may have killed all your vines trying to climb up the wall holding on to them. Turns out they aren't as strong as you would think. Anyways, I got up on the roof and I put a bucket, face-down, over the estimated leak point. Fixing it from the outside." Paul held up his hand for a high-five.
"So, let me get this straight. You climbed up on the roof in the pouring rain, killed my plants, and placed a metal bucket on the roof while it is lightning and now you want me to give you a high-five?"
"I'm sorry about your plants, that wasn't part of the plan."
"Wait, so where were you when I got home?"
"See, I was stuck on the roof but I didn't want to yell for you because I didn't want to scare you. See Sammy, I'm always thinking about you."
"How did you manage to get down?"
"I jumped onto a soft landing. Your fern bushes..."
The next day when it stopped raining, Sammy went to the hardware store and bought everything needed to re-shingle a roof. When she got home she climbed up on the roof, noting the plant damage, and got to work. It took her all week to do it by herself between work. But she did it.
Paul was there to give her lemonade and a couple odd snacks. He was also there to jokingly take the ladder away when Sammy had to pee. He offered his help but Sammy said this was her project.
Paul learned two thing that day. One, he will never do any better then Sammy. And two, never put a metal bucket on your roof when it's raining.
I know there wasn't a cover yesterday. I did record one but Blogger was dead and since it's not Thursday I'm not going to put it on. I know you are all probably crying. Bitches be crazy.
Oh, fun fact: I figured out how the title is going to relate to the story. I've got the last chapter all figured out. Now I actually have to get there. When I write these, I try not to think about them ahead of time. I just gather inspiration and then write. Today's 'chapter' brought to you by the rain because it was raining outside today.
"Where on earth have you been!? It's pouring outside and the cables out and you know I always assume the worst. You better have a good explanation."
"Relax Sammy. I have an awesome story to share. Wait, so the cables still out?"
"Yeah."
"Damn... I guess we have all the time in the world then. See, it all started when I was watching this football game..."
"Paul, who was even playing? You don't even know how football works, yet you watch every game on TV! Why?"
"Shh, don't interrupt me. So, as I was saying, I was watching this football game. The score was tied to like 45-34 or something logical for a football game. Just your average score."
"See! Do you even know what a touchdown is worth?"
"Easy! It all depends on what colour hair the dude has and something. This isn't important! I told you not to interrupt!"
"Okay, sorry, what happened?"
"The football game was really close and the one guy was running down the field! He was just about to do something awesome I bet! But then the cable went out. I didn't know what to do. I sat there just staring at the static screen and listening to that horrible sound it makes. That's when it hit me. Literally, a rain drop fell on my head. That was the first clue to me that it was raining outside and also the first clue to the fact that our roof was leaking."
"Wait! Our roof is leaking!?"
"Sammy, I didn't want it to come to this, but shut your trap and listen. I said was, the roof was leaking. I, Paul Samuel Jackson fixed our roof."
"Paul, that isn't even your last or middle name."
"Sammy... That was a test to see if you'd interrupt again! I'm done telling this story!"
And then it hit Sammy. Literally, a rain drop fell on her head.
"Paul! A rain drop just hit me! I thought you said you fixed the roof!"
"Crap! The bucket must have moved..."
"Wait, what? How did you 'fix' the roof?"
"Simple logic little Sammy. See, when most people have a leak they put a bucket underneath to catch the water. But I wanted to fix it from the outside. So I climbed up on the roof... Oh, by the way, I may have killed all your vines trying to climb up the wall holding on to them. Turns out they aren't as strong as you would think. Anyways, I got up on the roof and I put a bucket, face-down, over the estimated leak point. Fixing it from the outside." Paul held up his hand for a high-five.
"So, let me get this straight. You climbed up on the roof in the pouring rain, killed my plants, and placed a metal bucket on the roof while it is lightning and now you want me to give you a high-five?"
"I'm sorry about your plants, that wasn't part of the plan."
"Wait, so where were you when I got home?"
"See, I was stuck on the roof but I didn't want to yell for you because I didn't want to scare you. See Sammy, I'm always thinking about you."
"How did you manage to get down?"
"I jumped onto a soft landing. Your fern bushes..."
The next day when it stopped raining, Sammy went to the hardware store and bought everything needed to re-shingle a roof. When she got home she climbed up on the roof, noting the plant damage, and got to work. It took her all week to do it by herself between work. But she did it.
Paul was there to give her lemonade and a couple odd snacks. He was also there to jokingly take the ladder away when Sammy had to pee. He offered his help but Sammy said this was her project.
Paul learned two thing that day. One, he will never do any better then Sammy. And two, never put a metal bucket on your roof when it's raining.
_________________________________________________________________________
Mmmbop.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Hearts & Dog-Tags 3
I don't know how long these will go on for, but I enjoy writing them. I feel like this is sort of a 500 Days of Summer thing. I bet it would be better as a movie. With Morgan Freeman as the narrator.
"So, here it is. What do you think?"
"Did he die in the house...?"
"No Sammy, like I told you before, he died in the grocery store. Poor Uncle Robin, who knew that would be his last cocktail weenie? Stupid bastard had to take the free sample..."
"I didn't know you were so close..."
"Did you not just hear me call him a bastard? He was a dick, but at least he left me his house in the will!"
"Yeah, it is a pretty nice house." Sammy couldn't help but smile.
Sammy thought that moving into an actual house might speed up Paul's proposal. Sammy wants it all, the husband that kisses her when she gets home, the golden headed children that are perfect angels, and the dream job of being head reporter on Chanel Two News. Somehow she manages to see all of this with Paul by her side.
Paul won't have children until their married, Paul won't propose, and Paul is, and forever will be, Paul. Sammy encourages Paul everyday. She lifts his spirits and truly believes that he might invent something amazing one day and they will become rich. Paul doesn't ask Sammy how her day was, he doesn't even watch the news. Paul doesn't do anything on most days.
Sammy is an independent woman. Maybe part of her likes that; to be able to care for someone and not expect anything in return. Sammy and Paul together is kind of like charity work. Paul is the guy with the sixteen broken bones and Sammy is his nurse. They fall in love, but the man's bones never heal.
"I didn't get a haircut Paul. I just wanted some company. Is that too much to ask for?" Sammy likes to talk to herself in the car. And by talk to herself, I mean yell at Paul.
"And you know what? I'm not picking up your damn waffles. Go get your own freaking waffles. Oh wait, you can't because your licence is expired. So now I'm you're caregiver and chauffeur!"
Sammy needs a new outfit for a news conference. The card said black-tie optional. Just like life. Sammy was desperately hoping she would get a promotion. She wants to be out there, in the real word, reporting. Writing her own stories and reporting on breaking news right as it happens. She longs for the sporadic hours and the thrill of live television.
"Hey Jan, just give me something kind of fancy. I want to get out of here. No offence."
"None taken, doll. What's the occasion?"
"Black-tie optional, news conference thing."
"I have the perfect thing! Do you need a date? I have the perfect guy that I've been dying to set you up with!"
"Jan. I have a boyfriend. Remember Paul?" Sammy was used to this.
" Oh, you're still with him? Oh.." Sammy bought the dress and got out of there.
Something weird about Sammy is that no matter how mad she gets at Paul, or how many other people don't approve of him, it has never once crossed her mind to beak up with him. She may have thought about murdering him with a weed-waker, but never breaking his heart.
"Hey, I didn't get you waffles, maybe we could go out for dinner?"
"That sounds great! Let me see the outfit you got."
"Oh..yeah, okay, I'll go put it on." Sammy continues to be amazed by Paul.
"Woah! You look hot! Why don't you wear that tonight and I'll take you too the fanciest place in Weedner! I still have some cash I saved from the In Real Life Pokémon fund."
"Yeah, that sounds great." Sammy couldn't help but smile.
"So, here it is. What do you think?"
"Did he die in the house...?"
"No Sammy, like I told you before, he died in the grocery store. Poor Uncle Robin, who knew that would be his last cocktail weenie? Stupid bastard had to take the free sample..."
"I didn't know you were so close..."
"Did you not just hear me call him a bastard? He was a dick, but at least he left me his house in the will!"
"Yeah, it is a pretty nice house." Sammy couldn't help but smile.
Sammy thought that moving into an actual house might speed up Paul's proposal. Sammy wants it all, the husband that kisses her when she gets home, the golden headed children that are perfect angels, and the dream job of being head reporter on Chanel Two News. Somehow she manages to see all of this with Paul by her side.
Paul won't have children until their married, Paul won't propose, and Paul is, and forever will be, Paul. Sammy encourages Paul everyday. She lifts his spirits and truly believes that he might invent something amazing one day and they will become rich. Paul doesn't ask Sammy how her day was, he doesn't even watch the news. Paul doesn't do anything on most days.
Sammy is an independent woman. Maybe part of her likes that; to be able to care for someone and not expect anything in return. Sammy and Paul together is kind of like charity work. Paul is the guy with the sixteen broken bones and Sammy is his nurse. They fall in love, but the man's bones never heal.
"I didn't get a haircut Paul. I just wanted some company. Is that too much to ask for?" Sammy likes to talk to herself in the car. And by talk to herself, I mean yell at Paul.
"And you know what? I'm not picking up your damn waffles. Go get your own freaking waffles. Oh wait, you can't because your licence is expired. So now I'm you're caregiver and chauffeur!"
Sammy needs a new outfit for a news conference. The card said black-tie optional. Just like life. Sammy was desperately hoping she would get a promotion. She wants to be out there, in the real word, reporting. Writing her own stories and reporting on breaking news right as it happens. She longs for the sporadic hours and the thrill of live television.
"Hey Jan, just give me something kind of fancy. I want to get out of here. No offence."
"None taken, doll. What's the occasion?"
"Black-tie optional, news conference thing."
"I have the perfect thing! Do you need a date? I have the perfect guy that I've been dying to set you up with!"
"Jan. I have a boyfriend. Remember Paul?" Sammy was used to this.
" Oh, you're still with him? Oh.." Sammy bought the dress and got out of there.
Something weird about Sammy is that no matter how mad she gets at Paul, or how many other people don't approve of him, it has never once crossed her mind to beak up with him. She may have thought about murdering him with a weed-waker, but never breaking his heart.
"Hey, I didn't get you waffles, maybe we could go out for dinner?"
"That sounds great! Let me see the outfit you got."
"Oh..yeah, okay, I'll go put it on." Sammy continues to be amazed by Paul.
"Woah! You look hot! Why don't you wear that tonight and I'll take you too the fanciest place in Weedner! I still have some cash I saved from the In Real Life Pokémon fund."
"Yeah, that sounds great." Sammy couldn't help but smile.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Hearts & Dog-Tags 2
Turns out I'm just going to do this when I want to.
"Tonight on Chanel Two News: Do you know what deadly bacteria is in your hamster cage? Tune in tomorrow at noon where we get down and dirty."
"And that's a wrap. Good show everyone."
Sammy couldn't wait to get home. She had a speech prepared for Paul. He wasn't going to make an excuse this time. He was going to face up to the date. February 14th.
"Wow Sam, you really looked stunning tonight. I bet every guy in town was watching." This is not Paul. This is Jerry, Sammy's camera man. In a town this small you only have one camera man. Jerry did the news, wedding's, Bar Mitzvah's, really anytime you need someone with decent skills with a camera. Jerry is a reliable guy.
"Thanks Jerry. Hey, do you have any plans for Valentines Day?"
"What? No, none that I can't get out of anyways. Did you want to go grab a bite to eat or something?" Jerry may be reliable, but he doesn't know much more then how to work a camera.
"Jerry, I have a boyfriend. Remember Paul? I'm going, bye." Sammy was used to this.
"Oh, uh, I was kidding! You still look beautiful! Bye Sam!" Jerry yelled as Sammy walked away.
On the car ride home, Sammy kept mumbling to herself.
"'Sam you're so pretty.' Well Jerry, I hate being called Sam! Stupid ass. Doesn't know when to stop. Why are there no lights on in this damn house. Stupid Paul is probably sleeping."
Paul is sloppy, rude and a jerk, but he does learn.
Valentines Day two years ago:
"Hey Paul, I'm home!"
"Great! Did you bring my waffles?"
"Yes I did!" Sammy opened the Styrofoam carton.
"Oh cute, it's shaped like a heart. What a good marketing strategy. Do you think people would buy a delicious tasting food product shaped like a real human heart? Then when you bite into it red goo would pour out. Do you get it, Sammy? Like blood, like real blood! Hey, hand me that sketchbook."
This resulted in a face full of waffle and whipped cream for Paul.
"What was that for!? And did they change the whipped cream flavor?"
"Happy Valentines Day, jerk."
"You didn't answer me about the whipped cream! Sammy?"
Valentines Day one year ago:
"Sammy, why do you look so sad?"
"Didn't you forget something, again?"
"What? No! Tomorrow you're going to get the most romantic stuff imaginable!"
"Why tomorrow?"
"Because tomorrow is Valentines Day, dummy!"
"Wrong Paul. Today is the fourteenth."
"Damn you Confetti Your Room calendar!"
This Valentines Day:
"Hey Sammy, so good of you to join me." Sammy was taken aback. The whole house was dim with only a few candles on the table. On the table was a two person feast. She could not believe it.
"You...you did this?"
"Yeah. Well, I had a little help with the cooking from my mom, and by that I mean she did all the cooking."
"But I had a speech prepared!"
"A speech for what?"
"To yell at you for forgetting Valentines Day!"
"Maybe you should save it for when I forget your birthday..."
"Sounds like a plan."
And Sammy and Paul ate their dinner. Whenever Sammy feels like blowing up at Paul, she remembers this night. Whenever Paul feels like doing something romantic, he remembers this night too and decides this was romantic enough for one year. It was a winning night for everybody.
Not Jerry though.
"Tonight on Chanel Two News: Do you know what deadly bacteria is in your hamster cage? Tune in tomorrow at noon where we get down and dirty."
"And that's a wrap. Good show everyone."
Sammy couldn't wait to get home. She had a speech prepared for Paul. He wasn't going to make an excuse this time. He was going to face up to the date. February 14th.
"Wow Sam, you really looked stunning tonight. I bet every guy in town was watching." This is not Paul. This is Jerry, Sammy's camera man. In a town this small you only have one camera man. Jerry did the news, wedding's, Bar Mitzvah's, really anytime you need someone with decent skills with a camera. Jerry is a reliable guy.
"Thanks Jerry. Hey, do you have any plans for Valentines Day?"
"What? No, none that I can't get out of anyways. Did you want to go grab a bite to eat or something?" Jerry may be reliable, but he doesn't know much more then how to work a camera.
"Jerry, I have a boyfriend. Remember Paul? I'm going, bye." Sammy was used to this.
"Oh, uh, I was kidding! You still look beautiful! Bye Sam!" Jerry yelled as Sammy walked away.
On the car ride home, Sammy kept mumbling to herself.
"'Sam you're so pretty.' Well Jerry, I hate being called Sam! Stupid ass. Doesn't know when to stop. Why are there no lights on in this damn house. Stupid Paul is probably sleeping."
Paul is sloppy, rude and a jerk, but he does learn.
Valentines Day two years ago:
"Hey Paul, I'm home!"
"Great! Did you bring my waffles?"
"Yes I did!" Sammy opened the Styrofoam carton.
"Oh cute, it's shaped like a heart. What a good marketing strategy. Do you think people would buy a delicious tasting food product shaped like a real human heart? Then when you bite into it red goo would pour out. Do you get it, Sammy? Like blood, like real blood! Hey, hand me that sketchbook."
This resulted in a face full of waffle and whipped cream for Paul.
"What was that for!? And did they change the whipped cream flavor?"
"Happy Valentines Day, jerk."
"You didn't answer me about the whipped cream! Sammy?"
Valentines Day one year ago:
"Sammy, why do you look so sad?"
"Didn't you forget something, again?"
"What? No! Tomorrow you're going to get the most romantic stuff imaginable!"
"Why tomorrow?"
"Because tomorrow is Valentines Day, dummy!"
"Wrong Paul. Today is the fourteenth."
"Damn you Confetti Your Room calendar!"
This Valentines Day:
"Hey Sammy, so good of you to join me." Sammy was taken aback. The whole house was dim with only a few candles on the table. On the table was a two person feast. She could not believe it.
"You...you did this?"
"Yeah. Well, I had a little help with the cooking from my mom, and by that I mean she did all the cooking."
"But I had a speech prepared!"
"A speech for what?"
"To yell at you for forgetting Valentines Day!"
"Maybe you should save it for when I forget your birthday..."
"Sounds like a plan."
And Sammy and Paul ate their dinner. Whenever Sammy feels like blowing up at Paul, she remembers this night. Whenever Paul feels like doing something romantic, he remembers this night too and decides this was romantic enough for one year. It was a winning night for everybody.
Not Jerry though.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Hearts & Dog-Tags
This is an original, on the spot kind of story, by Stephanie.
"You can't leave Sammy. You're all I have. You're all I need."
"Paul, get out of my way. I need to go."
Freeze.
Paul and Sammy have their share of problems. Paul, a wife-beater wearing 'entrepreneur' and Sammy, a blonde anchorwomen, have their differences. Living in a small town like Weedner has it's ups and downs. Ups being that everybody knows your name, downs referring to the fact that they also know what you had for breakfast.
When you live in Weedner you give up the rights to privacy. There are no secrets here. So when Sammy-the next thing to a celebrity-got offered a job in Graymont the news spread like wild-fire. See, Graymont is the next town over from Weedner. It's a little bit bigger, the people are a little more wealthy, and the food doesn't taste like freezer burnt rat-tail.
"You can't leave Sammy. You're all I have. You're all I need."
"Paul, get out of my way. I need to go."
Freeze.
Paul and Sammy have their share of problems. Paul, a wife-beater wearing 'entrepreneur' and Sammy, a blonde anchorwomen, have their differences. Living in a small town like Weedner has it's ups and downs. Ups being that everybody knows your name, downs referring to the fact that they also know what you had for breakfast.
When you live in Weedner you give up the rights to privacy. There are no secrets here. So when Sammy-the next thing to a celebrity-got offered a job in Graymont the news spread like wild-fire. See, Graymont is the next town over from Weedner. It's a little bit bigger, the people are a little more wealthy, and the food doesn't taste like freezer burnt rat-tail.
You probably have a lot more questions. Let's head back a few days.
"Sammy! Get in here! You need to see this!" Yelled Paul from the comfort of his Lazy-Boy.
"What?" Asked Sammy, not rushing.
"This guy, he not nailed! Look, look! Instant replay! OW!" Paul laughed, watching yet another football game.
"Oh, cool... Hey, can you come with me? I want to get a new outfit for this news conference thing.."
"What? You look great; new haircut or something?" Paul replied, distracted.
Let's take a look at some of these events. Paul and Sammy are high school sweethearts. They moved in right after graduation. Sammy, with honors, Paul... well, he passed. Sammy quickly got hired and started her career in the news area. Paul bought that chair he is sitting on today and continues to lounge.
It's not like Paul isn't ambitious. He wants it all, fame, riches, a house that he didn't just get because his uncle died. He is just waiting for that idea. As an entrepreneur, Paul makes things and, when he feels up to the task, goes door-to-door to bother his neighbors about them.
"What?" Asked Sammy, not rushing.
"This guy, he not nailed! Look, look! Instant replay! OW!" Paul laughed, watching yet another football game.
"Oh, cool... Hey, can you come with me? I want to get a new outfit for this news conference thing.."
"What? You look great; new haircut or something?" Paul replied, distracted.
"Kay, I'm going. Love you." Sammy was used to this.
"Pick me up some waffles! The good kind!" But today, Sammy would forget the waffles.
"Pick me up some waffles! The good kind!" But today, Sammy would forget the waffles.
Let's take a look at some of these events. Paul and Sammy are high school sweethearts. They moved in right after graduation. Sammy, with honors, Paul... well, he passed. Sammy quickly got hired and started her career in the news area. Paul bought that chair he is sitting on today and continues to lounge.
It's not like Paul isn't ambitious. He wants it all, fame, riches, a house that he didn't just get because his uncle died. He is just waiting for that idea. As an entrepreneur, Paul makes things and, when he feels up to the task, goes door-to-door to bother his neighbors about them.
Some of the things he has tried to sell include: eraser pig (a standard pink eraser with various push-pins), the 'Confetti Your Room' calendar (on special occasions a confetti cannon would go off), masturbation poncho (for men and woman), self destruct guitar (for serious rockers), and of course the 'In Real Life Pokémon' (these were a hit, but the Humane Society shut him down).
Yes, Paul is a weird guy. But he's smart. Smart enough to keep Sammy around. She pays the bills, pays for his meals, and he loves her. Paul may not show it all the time, but he loves Sammy. Sammy is not a desperate girl, she has everything going for her. She doesn't need Paul. But she keeps him around too.
"Do you think we will ever get married?"
"Don't be stupid Sammy. We will get married and we will be happy. Times are tough right now but one day I will get down on one knee, and even though my cut-off jeans won't protect me and knee will get bruised, I don't care. I will kneel before you and let out all this mushy stuff. You might cry Sammy. I won't though. Unless you say no. Then there might be some tears."
"Don't be stupid Sammy. We will get married and we will be happy. Times are tough right now but one day I will get down on one knee, and even though my cut-off jeans won't protect me and knee will get bruised, I don't care. I will kneel before you and let out all this mushy stuff. You might cry Sammy. I won't though. Unless you say no. Then there might be some tears."
"Paul, I will never say no."
Things have changed since this night. What will the future hold for these two?
_________________________
Okay, there's the beginning of a very random story. I seriously just thought of that title randomly and started writing. Should I continue it? Do you like it?
I have mixed feelings about it, but I think it's different. Maybe I will make this a weekly thing. Monday's ftw?
Jump to: Hearts and Dog-tags 2
Jump to: Hearts and Dog-tags 2
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Last names
Stephanie Doughty
Stephanie Lamb
Stephanie Awesome
Stephanie Sauce
Stephanie Owl
Stephanie Fey
Stephanie Simmish
Stephanie Wendy
Stephanie Podephanie
Stephanie Flowerpot
Stephanie Moonface
Stephanie Toadephanie
Stephanie Young
Stephanie Lemon
Stephanie Frank
Stephanie Fridge-Magnet
I am not a huge fan of my last name. It's random and and no one knows how to pronounce it. It means brave, fearless, bold, courageous... The list continues. I may be all of those things, but I will change my name when/if I get married. *Insert forever alone face.*
I am a huge fan of last names that are common objects. I find them hilarious. If you have that boss and they go around calling you 'Lunch' out of habit of calling everyone by their last names, I'm sure this might happen often, "Someone go get me Lunch! 45 minutes late is not expectable!" I can see all the assistants and unimportant people looking around thinking, "Is this guy insane? It's 8:45am..."
I'm sure you can think of your own clever scenario involving another common word that could be a last name. I will even help you out; think of one with the last name Wetter and tell me about it later. Or now, depending I guess.
I also love it when people's last names rhyme with their first names. "That Randy Fandy is a pain in the ass." How can you take someone seriously? You sound like some made-up character from a children's book. "Randy Fandy is really depressed, I hope he doesn't do anything stupid." "AHAHA, Randy Fandy? What a name!"
Another last name group I enjoy are the two first names people. Like, you don't even have a last name. You have two first names. "Donna Kevin is here to see you." "Do you mean Donna and Kevin? I only have time for one interview." I imagine if her middle name is Anne it would be a whole lot worse. But Donna is just one person, don't let her name throw you off. Poor people.
Millions of people suffer from weird last names. It's something we deal with. No one really knows how we got our last names. Well, I'm sure some people do, but shh. I don't.
When I get married to Adam Young I will become Stephanie Young. Assuming we will never get divorced; I will sing Forever Young for the rest of my life. And it will be awesome.
Stephanie Lamb
Stephanie Awesome
Stephanie Sauce
Stephanie Owl
Stephanie Fey
Stephanie Simmish
Stephanie Wendy
Stephanie Podephanie
Stephanie Flowerpot
Stephanie Moonface
Stephanie Toadephanie
Stephanie Young
Stephanie Lemon
Stephanie Frank
Stephanie Fridge-Magnet
I am not a huge fan of my last name. It's random and and no one knows how to pronounce it. It means brave, fearless, bold, courageous... The list continues. I may be all of those things, but I will change my name when/if I get married. *Insert forever alone face.*
I am a huge fan of last names that are common objects. I find them hilarious. If you have that boss and they go around calling you 'Lunch' out of habit of calling everyone by their last names, I'm sure this might happen often, "Someone go get me Lunch! 45 minutes late is not expectable!" I can see all the assistants and unimportant people looking around thinking, "Is this guy insane? It's 8:45am..."
I'm sure you can think of your own clever scenario involving another common word that could be a last name. I will even help you out; think of one with the last name Wetter and tell me about it later. Or now, depending I guess.
I also love it when people's last names rhyme with their first names. "That Randy Fandy is a pain in the ass." How can you take someone seriously? You sound like some made-up character from a children's book. "Randy Fandy is really depressed, I hope he doesn't do anything stupid." "AHAHA, Randy Fandy? What a name!"
Another last name group I enjoy are the two first names people. Like, you don't even have a last name. You have two first names. "Donna Kevin is here to see you." "Do you mean Donna and Kevin? I only have time for one interview." I imagine if her middle name is Anne it would be a whole lot worse. But Donna is just one person, don't let her name throw you off. Poor people.
Millions of people suffer from weird last names. It's something we deal with. No one really knows how we got our last names. Well, I'm sure some people do, but shh. I don't.
When I get married to Adam Young I will become Stephanie Young. Assuming we will never get divorced; I will sing Forever Young for the rest of my life. And it will be awesome.
Friday, May 6, 2011
I kind of hate me too
Do you ever wish you were different? That you could change your personality traits? That you didn't have like 12 different yous?
I was thinking about this as I walked into chemistry yesterday. Chemistry is my third period. I was just thinking about how in those first two hours I had barely opened my mouth. I was thinking about how in english we are reading out loud Macbeth and how we finished the book and how I never once read. The teacher called on pretty well everyone, but not once me.
I couldn't help but think, have they given up on me? What do they think of me?
It's not like if they do ask me a question directly I cower away in fear. I answer it. Politely and with confidence.
So, as I'm walking into chemistry I'm thinking, why can't I just put up my hand? You are capable of it Stephanie. You know the answer. Voice you opinion. Just do it.
But I didn't. Even when the teacher was like, anybody? And I was like, I know this answer. I didn't. Why can't I just be a little more outgoing, or just to be able to speak my mind. Or just to be different. This brings me to Stephanie #1. Class Stephanie. She is quiet, independent, hardworking and I hate her.
After third it is time for lunch where we meet Stephanie #2. School friend Stephanie. She is hilariously awkward in her own, unexplainable ways. I think singing High School Musical in the hallways explains it. (Sorry Nathan). Walking home with her is always a treat. (Agree Preston).
On weekends we find Stephanie #3. Friend Stephanie. Witty, clever, humorous, never a dull moment Stephanie. (Feel free to agree). I feel my job is completed when I say something that everyone laughs at but I didn't even find funny. I like making people laugh and, well my friends are easy targets.
When we head over to the interwebs we can say hello to Stephanie #4. Internet Stephanie. Risky, blogging, no regrets Stephanie. I'm not good with the whole talking thing. I would never tell someone this. So, let them read it and decide if they want to talk about it. (For the most part, decide not to).
In the confined six walls of her bedroom we stumble upon Stephanie #5. Alone Stephanie. She is a little insane and a little, well, let's not get into this. You will probably never meet her. For good reason. You probably don't want to.
I could probably name like 10 more, but I'm going to stop there. There are 5 Stephanie's.
What one do you know?
I was thinking about this as I walked into chemistry yesterday. Chemistry is my third period. I was just thinking about how in those first two hours I had barely opened my mouth. I was thinking about how in english we are reading out loud Macbeth and how we finished the book and how I never once read. The teacher called on pretty well everyone, but not once me.
I couldn't help but think, have they given up on me? What do they think of me?
It's not like if they do ask me a question directly I cower away in fear. I answer it. Politely and with confidence.
So, as I'm walking into chemistry I'm thinking, why can't I just put up my hand? You are capable of it Stephanie. You know the answer. Voice you opinion. Just do it.
But I didn't. Even when the teacher was like, anybody? And I was like, I know this answer. I didn't. Why can't I just be a little more outgoing, or just to be able to speak my mind. Or just to be different. This brings me to Stephanie #1. Class Stephanie. She is quiet, independent, hardworking and I hate her.
After third it is time for lunch where we meet Stephanie #2. School friend Stephanie. She is hilariously awkward in her own, unexplainable ways. I think singing High School Musical in the hallways explains it. (Sorry Nathan). Walking home with her is always a treat. (Agree Preston).
On weekends we find Stephanie #3. Friend Stephanie. Witty, clever, humorous, never a dull moment Stephanie. (Feel free to agree). I feel my job is completed when I say something that everyone laughs at but I didn't even find funny. I like making people laugh and, well my friends are easy targets.
When we head over to the interwebs we can say hello to Stephanie #4. Internet Stephanie. Risky, blogging, no regrets Stephanie. I'm not good with the whole talking thing. I would never tell someone this. So, let them read it and decide if they want to talk about it. (For the most part, decide not to).
In the confined six walls of her bedroom we stumble upon Stephanie #5. Alone Stephanie. She is a little insane and a little, well, let's not get into this. You will probably never meet her. For good reason. You probably don't want to.
I could probably name like 10 more, but I'm going to stop there. There are 5 Stephanie's.
What one do you know?
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Two Weeks In Hawaii
No, I'm not taking a trip. I wish that were the case.
This wonderful Thursday I decided to do another ukulele cover because, let's be honest here, Ukulele>Guitar. I chose to do one of my all time favourite songs. Listening to it with just the ukulele makes me realize it's a very troubled and somewhat random song. I suggest you click the title of the song and go listen to it in all it's glory.
Two Weeks In Hawaii - Hellogoodbye
I like how I'm wearing the same shirt as last Thursday. I also like how you probably wouldn't have noticed if I didn't just say it.
I'm getting better at this whole idea. It only took me one take! I remembered to edit out my fail at the beginning too! High-fives all around!
I am really excited for tonights awesome shows. I'm pretty sure they're all new. (Insert happy-smile here.)
This wonderful Thursday I decided to do another ukulele cover because, let's be honest here, Ukulele>Guitar. I chose to do one of my all time favourite songs. Listening to it with just the ukulele makes me realize it's a very troubled and somewhat random song. I suggest you click the title of the song and go listen to it in all it's glory.
Two Weeks In Hawaii - Hellogoodbye
I like how I'm wearing the same shirt as last Thursday. I also like how you probably wouldn't have noticed if I didn't just say it.
I'm getting better at this whole idea. It only took me one take! I remembered to edit out my fail at the beginning too! High-fives all around!
I am really excited for tonights awesome shows. I'm pretty sure they're all new. (Insert happy-smile here.)
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Exhaustion
I don't really sleep. I find sleep pointless and a waste of time. So, I go to bed late. But then there's the whole insomnia thing. In hindsight I go to bed (on a school night) between 12:30 and 1am. On a regular day anyways, sometimes it's later, sometimes it's earlier. But I get into bed at that time then lay there wanting to die for any length of time.
Insomnia is the worst thing ever. It takes away a basic human function. I guess a lot of things do that. But still. I have tried a couple things to help and some have worked. I don't want to try any kind of medication though. A few things that you have to do if you have insomnia are:
Insomnia is the worst thing ever. It takes away a basic human function. I guess a lot of things do that. But still. I have tried a couple things to help and some have worked. I don't want to try any kind of medication though. A few things that you have to do if you have insomnia are:
- Accept that you have insomnia and that it is here to stay.
- Do not force yourself to try and sleep. It will not work and you will get stressed out.
- Stop worrying about the amount of hours you get to sleep.
- Never look at the time. Stress level increase and makes you more awake.
- No matter how many hours you think you sleep; it is probably more.
- Calm down. You're going to get through the day regardless.
When I first accepted I had insomnia it was a lot worse. A lot worse. I was so stressed out over when I was sleeping, or trying to sleep I guess, and how many hours of sleep I got. It would be a constant check of the time. Which is a horrible thing to do, because when you see 2:30am you start to freak out a little bit.
Now I'm just chill about it. Yeah, I'm getting 4 hours of sleep. Yeah, it's 2am, I don't want to sleep. Yeah, I can't fall asleep, maybe Friends is on. What of it?
So, I sleep in the early morning and then have to wake up in the early morning. My alarm goes off at 7:20. I then continue to press snooze and get up at around 7:30-7:40am. Then I go to school.
I have different levels of tired. I can honestly say I am hardly ever not tired. I have learned to fight passed the urge to pass out. I also hardly have any caffeine so everyday is a fun day. These are different days and how I'm feeling about the tiredness:
Giddy
When I go to bed really late but I'm doing something I enjoy that I don't want to stop, like reading a book or watching a series, I feel super in the morning. My alarm will go off and I will just open my eyes because there is no hint of tired. It's like a strange high.
Dead
When I go to bed late and can't fall asleep forever. I wake up a couple times. I cannot get comfortable. The morning is coming fast. Sleep is the worst; not sleeping is not an option. It's time to get up. I don't think that's possible. Today is going to be a horrible day.
Yawn
When I get a decent amount of sleep. Still not looking forward to school. YAWWWNNN. When I yawn constantly my eyes water a lot. It looks like I'm crying all day. Stupid yawning. Will not stop.
Doze-off
When I go through the week with all these days and I just can't handle it. Naps don't really work. Going to bed early doesn't happen. Time to skip first period for a little bit of sleep.
Other side effects include loopyness, unawareness, zombie looking-ness...
At school it's hard to focus. When I start to think about how tired I am, bad things happen. I will put my head on my hand and yawn and yawn. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's like a tugging; trying to pull me under. This feeling goes in and out throughout the day. Half the time I don't even remember what we did at school.
By 9pm I'm wide awake and this cycle starts all over. Sleep is for the weak.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Photoshop
A while back my brother somehow downloaded Photoshop onto his iPod from a school computer. I made him put it on my computer. So, here I am with a free Photoshop. I would open it sometimes and just pretty much look at it because I had no idea in hell how to work it.
Then came this YouTube contest. Thinking back, it was pretty stupid. What you had to do is add this orange's face into a picture. I'm like, I want to win this and I have Photoshop!
And thus begins my journey on discovering my Photoshopping powers of awesome. I didn't win the contest either. But I did teach myself how to use the program.
I love Photoshop. I love making graphics, banners, having celebrities in my living room...
Oh, how we have fun here. I thought this was clever because it is pretty much my life.
Anyways, Photoshop is great. I may not be Photoshop Queen, but I'm still learning. Like I recently learned how to just simply draw on the picture... didn't know how to do that.
As long as I know how to add Tina Fey and Adam Young into my living room, I will be content.
Then came this YouTube contest. Thinking back, it was pretty stupid. What you had to do is add this orange's face into a picture. I'm like, I want to win this and I have Photoshop!
And thus begins my journey on discovering my Photoshopping powers of awesome. I didn't win the contest either. But I did teach myself how to use the program.
I love Photoshop. I love making graphics, banners, having celebrities in my living room...
 |
| Do you guys not know what BRB means!? |
Anyways, Photoshop is great. I may not be Photoshop Queen, but I'm still learning. Like I recently learned how to just simply draw on the picture... didn't know how to do that.
As long as I know how to add Tina Fey and Adam Young into my living room, I will be content.
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