I am

I am not a happy person

I am not the flowers and sunshine that put light on your face

I am not a simple person

I am not that caterpillar destined to grace the Earth with new wings

I am not a optimistic person

I am not a bird ready with wings to soar

I am a thinker

I am a dreamer

I am an observer

I am in the darkness hoping the rays of life will not skip past me

I am hoping you will not need to share yours

I am willing to let you keep them

I am willing to stay in the dark

I will never be that happy person

I will never put light on your face

Ramblings from an unhappy outsider

They walk down together. Not really in a romantic way to an outsider. Why would it be romantic? One of them was wishing it was that way. They were wishing that their hands would grasp each others and continue walking. But this is not their time nor their world. So, they keep walking and one keeps wishing while the other keeps smiling and they're both just dying. Are they dying for the same reasons? Are their thoughts thinking the same thing? You'll have to ask them yourself as I am but an outsider.

So, how do I know? It's the same story told a million times. Girls, boys, boys, girls, frogs, lions, rattlesnakes. There are too many chances in this land of vast opportunity that makes it hard to guess how everything will properly line up. So yes, the one fancies them. Now, what is the chance that they are fancied back by the same individual that stays up at night thinking about them. I'm not a mathematician, but I would say the odds are not looking very good and their eyes continue to droop from lack of sleep while person number two is well rested.

We live in a sad wold where the people living are not always sad. Always being the key word. Sadness is a mysterious force that takes you over. It effects your soul like no other. It takes you down deep into the ocean where the sea life is not beautiful and the sun cannot reach and the pressure is unbearable, but somehow you're still breathing. And if you're breathing, even if you're breathing for just that one face, you have no choice but to smile.

But who knows what tomorrow will bring. Do you know? If you do then please call me and tell me. Sometimes your mind needs to be put to rest.

For I am sad; simply sad.

Empty

Do you ever get that feeling of being empty? You're just so empty you don't want to do anything. You have it set in your mind that there is nothing to do anyways. You just lay down with your eyes open thinking of everything. Everything that is just there. It doesn't actually matter. You wish you were somewhere instead of alone with yourself. You can't cry or scream. There is nothing inside you. You maybe can sleep. It's bright, but really, closing your eyes and feeling nothing is practically the same as opening them and feeling nothing. Maybe you drift off. But now you've just wasted an hour or two. Escaping for it doesn't make it any less real. Dreaming of anything but here just makes it harder when you wake up. You just keep thinking that this will happen then, or that will happen when. But will it ever change? You'll feel like this forever. You'll collapse on your empty frame and maybe then you'll smile. Everyone you want is out of reach. You can't stop thinking of the possibility though. That would be a change. That would make you feel something. Everything you want it out of reach. One day you'll stop grabbing for it. What is the point? If you can't feel anything why should someone feel something for you?

The stillness is awakening.

The frost is burning passion.

The white is liquid amber.

Breathe. Smile. Calm down. It will be okay.

Or maybe everything will stay the same.

Smile, there's turkey

Food is the only thing that makes me happy. Today was awful, but my dad made a huge turkey dinner that allowed me to cling on to life. With some, if not most, of my shows on winter hiatus, I just need to curl up in a ball and eat turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes and gravy and cranberry jelly. Nothing is wonderful, but at least I'm full.

Too much thinking

Insomnia is the worst because you are just laying here forever thinking about things that were never in your control. So many missed opportunities. Wishes that things could be different. Memories of a simpler time. Thoughts on how things would be different today.

And then you just start crying. Crying from the memories. Crying from the missed memories. And you cry and cry and think, "Well, at least I can cry myself to sleep." but whomever made up that saying is a lier because by now your pillows wet and you're even more uncomfortable and even less close to sleep.

Today in English we had a seminar and the one I was in really focused on death. We shared stories about our grandparents dying and stuff. That's what probably brought this on now. I think about them a lot especially when I can't sleep. I miss them so bad.

One I never got to meet.
One taken too soon.
One taken even sooner.

Idk where I'm going with this. I'm just sad. I just can't sleep. I just wish I could see them in my dreams at least.

Happy that it happened

So, I just got home and I really felt the urge to blog while everything is fresh in my mind. Such an amazing day. Both our performances went really well, for me anyways. The crowds were packed. My parents were there! It was weird having them there because I've never done anything like this before. The littlest Nin wouldn't stop complementing me. It was so strange and new and wonderful.

At the end of our last performance it really just hit me that this happened. I came so far in these short 12 weeks. My schools drama teacher came up to me and told me how far I had come. She also said, "Now we just have to get you to join Oliver!" and this time I agreed. Guess what guys. I'm going to be in a musical.

One of the leaders, Colin, pulled me aside and also shared his praise. For my acting, but mostly for my writing which I was very excited to hear. He told me that I should pursue this and that I have talent for it. He also mentioned his famous dad. I don't even know. It was very nice though.

Then the part with the goodbyes. I am so horrible with goodbyes. Of course I started crying. We gave our group leaders Tim Horton's gift cars and cards with all of our names signed because we are super nice like that. I drew a cat face next to my name. I gave them hugs because I am cute like that. One of asked me if I was going to Second City and I said, yes, I was thinking about it. He told me I should. That followed more complements on how amazing I am.

This post is not me bragging about how amazing I am, even thought it may be true, it's about how I would not have known any of this talent if it wasn't for this amazing group. I am so grateful that it came to my school and that it came this year because it if would have come any other year I probably would not have joined. They say that senior year is the best year, and that would not be true if it wasn't for Commotion.

It made me realize that this is what I want to do. I want to write and do improv and act because I love doing it and apparently have some talent towards it. My mom was like, "Do you want to be an actress?" and I said, "I don't know," and she said, "We will see your name in lights." I don't know why, but that just made me smile hearing it from my mom.

I came home and cried, but not for the reasons I thought I would. I was just so happy, but also very sad. I am happy that it happened, but sad that it had to end.

P.S. I just got invited to a real teen drinking party with some of the kids from Commotion, but I didn't go. I just wanted to state, for the record, that I got invited.

Hopes up

Isn't it the absolute worst feeling in the world when you get your hopes up for something and your mind is set upon it and you're super excited, but then something changes and everything comes crashing down in front of you? The answer is yes. Yes, it is the worst thing in the world.

This is why I never get my hopes up for anything. This is why I do not allow myself to become excited. This is why I am a pessimist. It's like not taking any risks so you don't get hurt. I can't handle that feeling. That feeling that what you've pictured and went over perfectly in your mind has turned into an ugly memory that never even happened. You just wanted it to so bad it felt real. The memory isn't real, but the pain is.

This is why I am so reluctant to think about the future. I hate thinking about it because then I start to get hopeful. I start to form this map in my mind about how things are going to go and expect everything to just fall into place. There are always cracks in the road though, and those cracks turn into detours, and those detours turn into dead ends. Then where are you? Trapped.

And I know you can't live like that, but somehow I manage. I always pinpoint the absolute worst things that could happen. I never think, "Everything is going to be fine and everything will happen the way it's supposed to and everything will be wonderful," because it doesn't and I'm left even more sad.

This is one of my favourite things about writing. These characters rely on me for their fate. They have no say whether they fall in love or fall in front of a bus. That's all me. Their pieces fall into place eventually. Their lives live on through text and imagination, while the writer is stuck in the real world where they can't just make up some deliberate plot twist to make everything go the right way.

I have to constantly remind myself that I do not live in a novel or a show. I am not someones character. No one is writing my future. No one is staying up late turning the pages of my life and wondering how it will turn out. It's not as fun writing your own story because if you have an idea of how it will end, your life will just be full of disappointment. I'm not ready for this.

I don't even know

How do you write a blog? What are you allowed to include? Where do I direct everything? Why can't I share somethings? Who is going to be reading them? When can I stop this?

This.

Not this blog.

But this is general.

I hate this.

This.