News from real life

I just folded the piece of paper on my desk into a funnel shape so I could slide the cookie crumbs off of it and into my mouth. I then laughed at what my life has succumb to and thought I would post it here. I also love the word succumb. It seems like it would be a dirty word like scum, but it isn't. 

Today has been a wonderful day. Let me walk you through it:

I woke up at a reasonable hour and just stayed in bed for a while because I had the day off. I remembered two of my dreams. One involving me meeting Tina Fey, the other involving me not knowing how to do CPR correctly and killing a kid... Yes, fun times.

I then got up and had a shower, which I will gladly get into details about. I finally found the right amount of shampoo and conditioner to use so my hair dried really curly, but with like 2 seconds of quick straightening it was wonderful. I then got to work on my task for my Nannie's birthday, which is a slot machine... I will tell you all about my Nannie's super secret surprise party after it is done on Saturday... Anyways, that is going fairly horribly, but I am dealing. No one was home except my brother, so I was in the kitchen crafting this structure and singing Gotta Be You by One Direction because I can, and let me tell you, those yous are really hard to do, but I finally got it, so yes, I have that going for me.

Then my mother came home and we went to good old Walmart. I have been to Walmart far too much over the past week. This party is going to be the end of me. But I did get McDonald's! MCDONALD'S BITCHES. I then went home and watched 30 Rock and ate it. 

And then... Then things got even better. You're probably like, "Stephanie, are you fucking crazy!? How in the world does something beat eating McDonald's and watching 30 Rock!? It isn't possible you stupid bitch! You are so dumb!" First of all, calm your shit bro, because the only thing that can beat eating McDonald's whilst watching 30 Rock is watching a NEW episode of 30 Rock at 8, then a new Parks and Recreation, and then, wait for it, ANOTHER NEW EPISODE OF 30 ROCK AT 9!!!!!!!!!!

In both, BOTH, episodes of 30 Rock my name was said. Well, one was Stephanie, the other was Stephie. BUT STILL. Also, there was a part were Liz Lemon said she needed to find a new best friend and I yelled at the TV, "I will be you're best friend!" I'm not even embarrassed. 

I have an English exam tomorrow. I have to go learn English. 

P.S. I think I figured out my life, but that's another post. Suspense much? I know you're hanging of my every word, so yes.

A dream within a nap

Being overly exhausted today, I decided to have a little nappy nap when I got home. I curled up in my bed and just was thinking, but not bad thinking. When I take naps and can't fall asleep it is no where as bad as when I can't sleep at night. I don't need to be sleeping. I can get up at anytime.

As I was dozing off, it was so weird. I saw my cat come on my bed and go like behind me, and I could feel her and everything. But I kept thinking the whole time, how did she get up on my bed? It being a top bunk and all. And I kept really waking up, and then having this little dream.

Then I actually fell asleep and had a wonderful dream. And both my late grandparents were in it.

My family and I moved to a new house and we were planning my Nannie's birthday party. I was sad, but I don't know why. I was standing at the kitchen island thing, and was looking into the living room. People started gathering in. These two guys come behind me, in real life I don't know who they are, but in the dream they worked for my dad. They would come by often and talk to me, and it was weird because they seemed to know something. They said to me, "You might want to go into the living room." So I went, but first I spotted this animal on the ground.

There was this hedgehog on the ground. It was our family pet. I think my mom called it Sarah in the dream once. It didn't feel like you would expect a hedgehog to feel, it was really soft and it was a lot longer then one. It would just roam around.

So I look at the couch and my grandma and grandpa were sitting there. It was also weird in the dream because it wasn't like they were never gone, I knew they had died and they were somehow back. I just remember hugging them both and starting to cry and my other family being just so happy and crying too.

I remember saying to them, "So, how is heaven?" and my grandpa saying, "We call it heavenly solace actually." I do not understand that, but whatever. At that point I realized that those two workers somehow set this whole thing up.

Then Pierce Brosnan was there. I think he was supposed to represent my other grandpa whom I've never met. That was sort of awesome.

And this lady, who I don't know, and didn't know in the dream started talking to me. She had a British accent and she was like, "Can you do an English accent?" and was like, "I don't know..." and she kept pressuring me to do one, but I didn't want to. Then I woke up.

That was pretty well the dream. It was weird, but very wonderful. I love dreaming, whether I am awake or asleep. I don't complain about it, I am just happy I was able to remember.

Hopes up

Isn't it the absolute worst feeling in the world when you get your hopes up for something and your mind is set upon it and you're super excited, but then something changes and everything comes crashing down in front of you? The answer is yes. Yes, it is the worst thing in the world.

This is why I never get my hopes up for anything. This is why I do not allow myself to become excited. This is why I am a pessimist. It's like not taking any risks so you don't get hurt. I can't handle that feeling. That feeling that what you've pictured and went over perfectly in your mind has turned into an ugly memory that never even happened. You just wanted it to so bad it felt real. The memory isn't real, but the pain is.

This is why I am so reluctant to think about the future. I hate thinking about it because then I start to get hopeful. I start to form this map in my mind about how things are going to go and expect everything to just fall into place. There are always cracks in the road though, and those cracks turn into detours, and those detours turn into dead ends. Then where are you? Trapped.

And I know you can't live like that, but somehow I manage. I always pinpoint the absolute worst things that could happen. I never think, "Everything is going to be fine and everything will happen the way it's supposed to and everything will be wonderful," because it doesn't and I'm left even more sad.

This is one of my favourite things about writing. These characters rely on me for their fate. They have no say whether they fall in love or fall in front of a bus. That's all me. Their pieces fall into place eventually. Their lives live on through text and imagination, while the writer is stuck in the real world where they can't just make up some deliberate plot twist to make everything go the right way.

I have to constantly remind myself that I do not live in a novel or a show. I am not someones character. No one is writing my future. No one is staying up late turning the pages of my life and wondering how it will turn out. It's not as fun writing your own story because if you have an idea of how it will end, your life will just be full of disappointment. I'm not ready for this.

A love letter to Adam Young

Dear Adam,

        I have this reoccurring fantasy about you. Well, maybe you would call it a scenario because it does depend on many factors. I know it's far fetched, but love is weird and unpredictable, so maybe you have to dream too big to end up happy. When I tell you my plan, I am not going to say, "if this happens," I am going to say, "when this happens," because I so badly want it to come true. If I have learned one thing from you, I have learned to always be optimistic because, well, dreams don't turn to dust.
        My plan sets off when I am blessed with a large sum of money. I am not trying to buy your love, but I do need to purchase some necessary supplies. See, I need to go buy a hot air balloon. I understand I could probably rent one for an afternoon, but hey, I thought I would splurge. The balloon design is simple; plain maroon. Now that I have the balloon, I need to know how to fly it. Everything is less romantic with a random third party, even if that third party is flying the balloon. As two extremely introverted people, I think it would be better to be alone, which means I need to learn how to fly this bad-boy.
        I don't know how long or how much hot air balloon flying lessons are. I am guessing it takes a while. Maybe I should have bought the balloon after I learned how to fly it. Nonetheless, how many months later, I am in the air. Alone. I pack light. The gondola is feeling too empty right now. I keep well, and I keep optimistic that my plan is going to be a success.
        As a Canadian Girl, the trip from the tip of Ontario to Minnesota is quite the journey. Travelling over the great lakes is a miraculous view. The birds welcome me along with their best of luck songs. The balloon is smooth sailing. It's as if I was stationary and the sky was sailing around me.
        Before I know it, I am nearing my destination. I am nervous, of course. I start to have doubts. This is crazy. This is never going to work. What was I thinking. But I think back to your blog posts. Your far fetched fantasies of meeting the girl of your dreams. I have to keep positive. I have to believe that I might get to unlock the secret that is Adam Young with my own key. I start to descend.
        I know all of Owatonna can see the balloon landing. I pray you are looking too. The field begins to fill with people wondering who this mad woman is flying this balloon. I search the crowd for your face, but with no luck. You're not here. After telling everyone I did mean to land here and that my balloon did not need to be repaired, the crowd thins. It starts to get dark, yet there was still no sign of you. I settled in for the night, but I miss the air. Insomnia claws at me everywhere I turn. I can't just give up now. I have to find you.
        Then I hear the best thing imaginable. A simple, "Hello," coming from the dark. I stand up to peer over the gondola with my flash light. You squint at the sudden brightness in a way that makes my heart melt. "You finally made it," I say with a smile. I like how you smile back, as if knowing I came for you.
        You say you don't need any bags and that we can take off right now. Hand in hand we are Airborn. And this is how it will stay.

                                                                                           -Stephanie