Know your age

Everyone has those moments where they freak out over something. Whether it's the future, their relationship status, their job, or their family. It could be anything no matter how big or small. I do all of this daily. I'm sitting here feeling like a heap of steaming shit (visual needed) because I am a fucking failure and horrible person. But at the end of the day I am still a 17 year old girl trying to figure out her place.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone younger than me complains about something in their life, especially about their future or their love life. Everyone needs to be able to step back and realize everything will change in a few years. Realistically, life doesn't start until you're in you're totally self reliant and facing the real world. And that's scary.

I am no where near that, and I am scared to death. I sit here and think that it will never come. That I will forever be the worst, and blogging about it. I will forever be unhappy and alone. But I keep reminding myself that this year of my life really means little. I need to keep that hope that things will get better.

I've never felt so fucking alone. Even when I'm with people, I feel alone. I just want things to be different, but they can't be right now. I want things to be in my favour, but they might never be. I want to not come home and crumble to the floor and have to pick myself back up everyday because I don't know how long I can do this for.

I want to be able to say, "It did get better," instead of, "It will get better," because I'm tired.

But once again, at the end of the day, even when I crumble, I am still 17 with years ahead of better experiences, more people, and happiness. As long as I keep reminding myself of that, I might just be okay.

I'm kind of famous

So, this happened today:

Yes. Yes. This is real life. The creators and stars of NBC's now comedy Best Friends Forever retweeted me and one of them is following me!!11!!one!!11!!!1

I adore their show like nobody's business because I love NBC and females and comedy and they use improv to write their show. It's just awesome seeing people getting their own show because I just think maybe one day it will be me and some random teenage girl will fangirl when I retweet and follow them or whatever social media is called by the time I get a show.

I just watched the cast of 30 Rock on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and it was awesome. Their live show is tomorrow. I love everything.

A poem of love to NBC

Oh NBC, how can it be?

From 30 Rock to Community,

you always know how to make me happy.

Though I am but a girl,

with my intentions very strong,

I do not think our love is wrong.

You make me laugh,

you make me cry,

but as long as you're around I may never wish to die

It may be strange,

People may never understand,

I just want to hold your hand.

I hope you will wait for me,

I pray you'll be here to stay,

I just want to meet you one day.

In time I'll be making millions laugh,

I'll thank you for never turning your back,

my love for NBC is something that will never lack.

This has been a love poem 

to a television network.

__________________

This is one of my journal entries for my writers craft course. 

My teacher commented: 

"I love this!!! (You are a wonderful writer!)"

She seems to be thoroughly enjoying my journal so far which makes me very happy.

P.s. I just realized that the shape of this is awesome. It looks like a girl. I AM THE POEM.

St. Valentines Day

Today is Valentines Day and it came and went. I could really care less. To me, it's just been that day where my mom gives me chocolate and a card and maybe a school friend gives me a little card with my name on it. (Which actually happened today.)

For me, there has never been the date aspect to this holiday. Yes, maybe a boy gave me a bunch of chocolate once, but that was just one time and he may be mentally unstable. Yes, maybe I got a text from a boy with kind words, but maybe we are all mentally unstable.

Anyways, I have been watching way too much Gilmore Girls and reading way too much. Now that we're caught up...

I am good though. They play is thriving. I found out today that I am in more stuff then I thought... I don't know how I feel about this. I realized today that I am so not a theater kid. I hate the fact of just redoing a play that has been done so many times before! I want to create something to be in, not just pick it up and do it. And it's not like everything I do has to be made by me, but I would like to at least shake the writers hands or something. Oliver is so overdone and so unrelatable, but maybe that's the point of theater.

Whenever she tells us to do something, I want to make a funny joke about having to act like Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, but everyone else is so involved while I'm just there not fitting in. Commotion was so much different and so much more fun it hurts to even compare the two.

The only very wonderful part of my Valentines Day is that Jimmy and Sabrina finally got together on Raising Hope! I am still very happy, which is not at all surprising considering it's me...

Well, my boyfriend is 47 inches! ...and his name is My Television...

I'm hilarious... I know. I thought of that one myself and laughed, so I thought I would share. I hope you had a wonderful day, and I end with:

Nothing like 30 Rock references to brighten everyone's day, even if you don't understand them.

News from real life

I just folded the piece of paper on my desk into a funnel shape so I could slide the cookie crumbs off of it and into my mouth. I then laughed at what my life has succumb to and thought I would post it here. I also love the word succumb. It seems like it would be a dirty word like scum, but it isn't. 

Today has been a wonderful day. Let me walk you through it:

I woke up at a reasonable hour and just stayed in bed for a while because I had the day off. I remembered two of my dreams. One involving me meeting Tina Fey, the other involving me not knowing how to do CPR correctly and killing a kid... Yes, fun times.

I then got up and had a shower, which I will gladly get into details about. I finally found the right amount of shampoo and conditioner to use so my hair dried really curly, but with like 2 seconds of quick straightening it was wonderful. I then got to work on my task for my Nannie's birthday, which is a slot machine... I will tell you all about my Nannie's super secret surprise party after it is done on Saturday... Anyways, that is going fairly horribly, but I am dealing. No one was home except my brother, so I was in the kitchen crafting this structure and singing Gotta Be You by One Direction because I can, and let me tell you, those yous are really hard to do, but I finally got it, so yes, I have that going for me.

Then my mother came home and we went to good old Walmart. I have been to Walmart far too much over the past week. This party is going to be the end of me. But I did get McDonald's! MCDONALD'S BITCHES. I then went home and watched 30 Rock and ate it. 

And then... Then things got even better. You're probably like, "Stephanie, are you fucking crazy!? How in the world does something beat eating McDonald's and watching 30 Rock!? It isn't possible you stupid bitch! You are so dumb!" First of all, calm your shit bro, because the only thing that can beat eating McDonald's whilst watching 30 Rock is watching a NEW episode of 30 Rock at 8, then a new Parks and Recreation, and then, wait for it, ANOTHER NEW EPISODE OF 30 ROCK AT 9!!!!!!!!!!

In both, BOTH, episodes of 30 Rock my name was said. Well, one was Stephanie, the other was Stephie. BUT STILL. Also, there was a part were Liz Lemon said she needed to find a new best friend and I yelled at the TV, "I will be you're best friend!" I'm not even embarrassed. 

I have an English exam tomorrow. I have to go learn English. 

P.S. I think I figured out my life, but that's another post. Suspense much? I know you're hanging of my every word, so yes.

My two weeks are up

And part of me is extremely glad. I need structure in my little life. Without it I don't sleep, I don't eat, I don't know what time it is, I do nothing.

I had a lot of fails this break. I didn't finish my screenplay. I haven't given up, it just hasn't really gone anywhere. I have started way too many things that I never finish. That's like the definition of my life. When you have all the time in the world, you always just say, "I will do it later." This is where procrastination thrives. It thrives on welcoming souls.

I am usually good with deadlines though. I honestly didn't really start my homework until 8pm tonight. And at 8 I saw that there was a magical movie on that I wanted to watch at 9. I had one hour to finish my English and my data. Guess what bitches? I did it. Wet Hot American Summer is the best movie ever. There is nothing like finishing off Christmas break with a movie about the last day of summer camp.

The one thing I worry about tonight is sleeping. I have been going to bed at 3, 4, 5am every night, and mostly from insomnia. My insomnia has been so bad. So, so horrible. Every night. Tonight is going to be the worst. I say tonight like it is far away, but it is almost midnight. Shhhiiitttt.

Things to look forward to this week:

• Tuesday 7am - Tina Fey and Jane Krakowski on the Today Show
• Wednesday 12:37am - Tina Fey on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
• Thursday 8pm - Season 6 premier of 30 Rock

It's going to be an amazing week. A fucking amazing week.

Screenplay

If I ever finish this screenplay, what are the chances it would actually get made into a movie? What are the chances that someone important would read it and be like, "Yes." What are the chances that this character that I based off myself would actually get played by me? Are there statistics on this sort of thing?

I'm not stupid. I may be a big dreamer, but I'm not dumb. I just love it so much. I want to do this forever. I'm not writing it because I think it will be made into a movie and I will be able to star in it. I just want to see if I can do it.

I am doing it legit. With legit formatting, as well as I can. It's not like I took a class on this. All I am going off of is some Commotion teachings about rough work, a Mean Girls script, and Googling anything I don't understand. And I am using Open Office. So, there's also that factor.

I have this idea. I have all the rough work sorted out. I know where I want the story to go. I know where I want it to end. I am enjoying the process.

All I have done today is write and watch 30 Rock. Good day.

Auditions

My audition is tomorrow for the musical Oliver being held at my school and I am freaking out because I am having a hard time learning my lines. I am trying out for two people, and the one I am fine with, but the other not so much. I have to memorize two scenes, one for each character.

I have never auditioned for anything before so I don't really know what to expect. Oh well, we will just see how this goes. I never thought in the history of my high school career that I would ever be auditioning for anything, let alone a play.

Oh Stephanie. Look what has become of you. How does one do a complete 180 but still stay relatively the same? I am the same because I started a new TV show and it's wonderful but also super scary. It's called American Horror Story. I'm only seven episodes in but I am kind of in love. The name is true to the show though. It is literally a horror show.

Maybe typing my lines out from memory will help:

Hello, Noah, I brought you a little bit of bacon left over from master's breakfast. Oliver! Shut the door!

And take them bits and your tea and go over there and eat them! Make haste because they'll want you to mend the shop. Do you hear?

Lor Noah. What a tease you are! Let the boy alone.

Ha ha ha, you are a one!

What's up?

What a horrid wretch! You ungrateful murderous, villain!

Dear, dear, she's going off again!

I don't know mother, maybe we should send for the Bow Street Runners.

Oliver - he's run off!

Fuck. Those weren't even right. There aren't even that many! I don't know what's going on. The gist of them are right, just not the proper wording. Blurgh. The old lady has more lines and I like her better.

I am going to go cry myself into a 30 Rock coma.

Television influences my life

I find myself doing/buying/keeping things only because they remind me of a character on a TV show, or they were on a TV show. Mostly Liz Lemon. I can't tell if it's making me lose myself or just finding out more about myself because it's not like I, on a personal level, don't like the things, I love them. I just starting liking them because of TV.

For example: A couple days ago my mother bought me this sweater and surprised me when I got home. It's just a plain greyish zip-up hoodie. At first I was iffy about it, but I put it on and realized that it reminded me of something Liz Lemon would wear, so I kept it and will wear it. Is that weird? Probably.

I also bought a huge bag of cheese balls. Like Cheezies but spherical. They caught me attention for two reasons. 1. On The Office they always have them and throw them up and catch them in their mouths. 2. They are kind of sketchy brand wise so they reminded me of these cheese puffs Liz Lemon always eats. They were giving her a false positive on her pregnancy test due to a bull semen ingredient. So yes, I wanted them for the bull semen.

Speaking of cheese balls, I have eaten way too many of them. Like, it is a huge bag and there is less then 1/4 left and I just got them on Saturday night. I've pretty much been the only one eating them. I am really good at catch them in my pie hole though. My record is like ten in a row. I regret nothing.

 I pretty much just stared writing this so I wouldn't have to go to bed. Last night I had really bad insomnia. On a Saturday night. Like, why? Tonight is going to be worse so I am putting off getting into bed. Smart: No. Logical: Nope. Any benefits?: Not at all. Blurgh.

Things I'm looking forward to

Here is a list of things that I am excited for. I want them to come faster, but they won't.

• Christmas
• New Years
• 30 Rock starting up again
• Next semester
• Graduating high school
• Never having to go back to high school again

These things of course have downfalls too, like exams and applying for university and not getting into university. That worries me everyday. What if I don't get in? What will I do? 

Move to Toronto and become a homeless person is probably my best bet. But realistically I would probably go back to awful high school and try to bring my grades up or something. I don't even want to think about that.

More news: I am giving blood on the 23rd! Which I just remembered I forgot to hand in my form... I shall do that tomorrow! My blood will save lives! I will be a life saver! Suck it Oprah, who's saving lives now!? Oh, you are? Cool.

Community

The best part of any show is the unlikely friendships. In 30 Rock you have Jack and Liz, in Parks and Recreation you have Leslie and Ben, in Chuck you have Casey and Morgan. Every show has them.

I started watching Community. I'm only 8 episodes in, but I only started watching tonight. It's a pretty good show so far. I started watching it because it's on at 8 on Thursdays on NBC. Now my Thursdays can start at 8 instead of 8:30. I think for the future.

Community is about people attending a community collage. The cast is so diverse, which leads to so many unlikely friendships. You have the sassy black lady who is friends with the young overachieving white girl who is friends with a football star who is friends with a TV obsessed guy who is friends with a creepy old man who is friends with a charismatic lawyer who is friends with a girl named Britta, like the filter. Together they make their Spanish study group.

It's a funny show. I have a weird sense of humor. I usually like smart funny with a shit load of satire. I like flashbacks, and one-liners, and snappy comebacks. I was thinking about how I can go a whole movie or show without actually laughing out loud, but still find it funny. Is that normal? I don't laugh at a lot of things it seems. Like YouTube. I almost never actually laugh at YouTube videos, but I will still find it funny and worth watching.

I also have the ability to watch the same episode of a show, or a movie, or read a book, over and over again. Like, my favourite episode of 30 Rock is called Retreat to Move Forward. I watched it again yesterday. I have seen it like 10 times and it doesn't bother me that I can say the lines with the characters, if anything, it makes it more enjoyable. That goes for any show. Flu Season is my favourite Parks and Recreation episode, I also watched it again yesterday. I have seen it like 10 times too. I would watch the both again today.

The more I watch something, the more I like it. I don't care if I know what happens. You just enjoy it in the moment.

I just learned that Late Night with Jimmy Fallon will not be new for two weeks. TWO FULL WEEKS WILL NO JIMMY.

Pictures show my emotions. I hope you like them. Now, back to more Community and SNL.

Parks and Recreation

I decided to re-watch the wonderful show titled Parks and Recreation. If you haven't watched it, go do that now.
It stars one of my favourite people, Amy Poehler.

This is why I love this show.

I love how it could be real life. Like The Office it is a 'mocumentary', but instead of office life it focuses on small town government. And as you know, 30 Rock is the best show ever, but a lot of crazy shit happens on that show that's hilarious, but very unlikely. With a mocumentary you get people with unrealistic personalities in everyday situations.

With it staying light out for long I keep getting messed up about the time! I thought it was like 6, but it's like 8. I hate that. If the times name was Ann, it would probably go down something like this:

I also love the casual use of fuck. Obviously they bleep it, but it just adds to the normal aspect. Adults working in government are going to say the f-bomb from time to time. I'm all about casual fuck. You took that the wrong way, didn't you?

Wouldn't it be hilarious

So I have this reoccurring thought. Let's get into more details, shall we?

I think it would be hilarious if someone put a top secret, hidden microphone in my room for one day. Oh the things they would hear. That sounds dirty (maybe it is). It's just that I'm insane, so I say random things out loud and talk to myself constantly.
Like if I was reading a paragraph like this: (Why can't you use tab on this site?) (Fail sauce.)

      Today a young rabbit was found dead in a wooded area in Hilterburg, Alaska. It is a tragic story and we have so little answers. What was a rabbit doing in the woods? Should we assume foul play? Where was Pedo-Cloud when this happened? Badger Police Chief Duncan Jumbles was first on the scene, "It was a mess. There was a fallen tree near by and it was rotting. Bugs were everywhere!" When we reminded Chief Jumbles about the young rabbit he responded, "Holy shit! There was a dead body there!? That's disgusting! Oh my God!" Badger Police is currently looking for a new Chief. Oh, we just got word that the rabbit was actually a ninety-seven year old man who escaped from the seniors home beside the wooded area. More of this story at six.

What was I even talking about? I had way too much fun writing that. Did you notice how it went from a news paper article to a written news cast somehow. Magic.

Anyways, as I was writing that I was first like, "Why the fuck won't the tab work!?" Then it was pretty much all giggles from there.
From my point before, I take random words from sentences, when I'm alone, say them out loud, and either swear or laugh, or swear then laugh.

I always do this thing where I say, "I know." I will think something, then out loud I will say that. I annoy myself because it's just an impulse thing. But I mostly just swear out loud to myself.

P.s. Please don't actually sneak into my room and place a microphone in here. 

From your paranoid friend, Duncan Jumbles.

Drive My Soul

It's still Thursday! I'm sorry you had to wait so long for this... *cricket sounds*

This wonderful Thursday I decided to do this song because I like it. I've been listening to Lights lately and I think this is my favourite Lights song. I think it sounds good acoustic, so I owned this cover, like a boss. (See what I did there?)


Drive My Soul - Lights

(Now uploading from YouTube.)

So, today was just awesome. It had a lot to do from 8-11pm. The Vampire Diaries is kind of stupid though. But I cried during The Office: "Don't leave Michael!". I fell in love during Parks and Recreation: "Ben and Leslie! *heart hands*". And I just died out of sheer joy from one hour 30 Rock! *Walks into living room* "Did you guys hear? ONE HOUR 30 ROCK!" *Walks back into bedroom*.

Though I am 'tired as fuck'. Does anyone else not understand that? How is fuck a comparison word to tired? (Don't answer that perv.) On this happy note, Happy Easter! TTYL BFF'S!

(And for the record, Tina Fey uses the word fuck casually in her book, so I'm going to use it casually here.)

Rainy Saturday

I love rain. I love the smell and the look of it. I love how the world looks when it's pouring. Everything is darker and a little sleepier and a whole lot less active.

The only days I am really angry at the rain are the days I have to walk to school. I only have to about once a week, if that. It seems like every time I do have to though it is raining. Then I worry about my hair. My hair is not good with wetness in general. It tends to poof out and frizz like nobodies business.

Anyways, back on topic, I love rainy weekends. On top of that I am also kind of sick. Both of those combined made the best day ever. Nothing was expected of me, no where to go, everything to do.

Pedo-Cloud

That's right Pedo-Cloud. I stayed in my room and watched 30 Rock. Turns out on Friday nights I go crazy from sleep deprivation all week and go to bed early*. It also turns out my insomnia is a bitch who won't let me fall asleep even when I can't open my eyes. But what's a different story.

So, wow, off topic again. Alright, so I went to bed early and slept in until about 11am. I don't physically get out of bed until around 12:30pm though. I love that. Just lying in bed without a care in the world. No where to be, nothing to do, no deadlines. 

My breakfast was made up of cranberry juice and two waffles but our dumbass toaster is broken so I have to hold the stupid thing down because it wan't stay on it's own. While I was stranded by the toaster I put on our convenient little kitchen television and watched Pokemon. I ate and chatted to my mother, who wanted me to take cough medicine, which I refused. This continued throughout the day.

I then went right to my computer, turned it on and caught up on YouTube, Facebook and Tumblr. After that, it was around 2pm. I then went to the website I spend most of my time on right now - where I watch 30 Rock. I started on season 4, episode 2. 

Before I started watching it though, I thought I would make some lunch. I have this new thing for frozen french fries. I feel like a good cook because our oven sucks at making fries crispy, so I have to get creative and not follow the directions. I Lemoned the situation, did is awesome. I made french fries and Ceasar salad for my brother and I. It's kind of my thing. Needless to say, I ate a ton. 

So, back to 30 Rock. I watched from episode 2 to episode 13 today. But it's only 10:30pm. There is a lot more to come. I am always too well rested on Saturday nights, which means not sleeping. I also played the Sims for a little bit, but I didn't do much on it so there is nothing really to mention.

That there is my day in a nutshell. It was a wonderful day. I did get some things accomplished besides this too. I hope you enjoyed your rainy/sunny/cloudy/snowy/hurricaney/magical Saturday as much as I did.

__________________________________________________________________________________

*Early for me. I tend to crawl into bed around 1am.

I think I talk about 30 Rock too much

"You got into this business because you're funny and you're weird and you're socially retarded. You also got into it because it pays well."

This quote is said by Jack in season 2, episode 4 of 30 Rock. He, of course, is saying it to Liz.

It really stuck out to me though because, well, it pretty much explains me. I knew Liz Lemon and I have quite a bit in common but I never really thought about going into the comedy business.
I could join The Second City improvisation school in Toronto, then move on to be a writer for SNL, then start my own sitcom about life as a writer on a live television show.

Oh, wait.
I think that has been done before.

Anyways, it just got me thinking about what I'm going to do after stupid high school. Right now I am scared of the future and change and Pig Latin.

I don't know what I want to do yet or where I want to do it. It seems like there is so much pressure on me, put on by myself.

Thinking about it freaks me out, so I'm going to go back to watching more 30 Rock.

Daily Tina take six

I have a bunch of homework today. Going to make it my goal to at least watch two 30 Rock episodes in between. I honestly don't think this statement can be any more true...

2 Days:

Daily Tina

I'm going to be posting a little something to do with Tina Fey everyday until April 5th, which is of course the release of her book Bossypants. 


7 Days:

We'll Be A Deam

So, I decided I'm going to do a cover every Thursday of a random song. 

This weeks song: We'll Be A Dream ft. Demi Lovato - We The Kings

It's not because I think I'm an amazing singer or guitarist, I just love to do both, so why the heck not! It will just make me commit to something.
Plus, Thursdays are the best days ever! New The Office, Parks and Recreation and 30 Rock tonight! Just throwing that out there...

Waiting

One of my biggest pet peeves is when a show you look forward to watching every week isn't on or isn't new. I have a very specific weekly calendar that I follow religiously when it comes to my shows...

Monday: Chuck
Tuesday: Glee
Wednesday: Shedding for the Wedding
Thursday: The Vampire Diaries, The Office, Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock
Friday: CSI:NY
Saturday: Saturday Night Live
Sunday: The Simpsons, Family Guy

All day I look forward to the complicated plot twists, building relationships and unexpected incidents that I adore so much. It really makes me upset when I go to watch my show and I find out it's an old episode. I understand that happens sometimes but into further investigation they won't be new again for weeks, it really puts a damper on that day for weeks to come.

Waiting is a horrible part of life. The only comfort is that no matter what, time still moves forward, it cannot move any slower, or any faster for that matter.