Annoying

I feel like I am always annoying people. I'm awful.

Television influences my life

I find myself doing/buying/keeping things only because they remind me of a character on a TV show, or they were on a TV show. Mostly Liz Lemon. I can't tell if it's making me lose myself or just finding out more about myself because it's not like I, on a personal level, don't like the things, I love them. I just starting liking them because of TV.

For example: A couple days ago my mother bought me this sweater and surprised me when I got home. It's just a plain greyish zip-up hoodie. At first I was iffy about it, but I put it on and realized that it reminded me of something Liz Lemon would wear, so I kept it and will wear it. Is that weird? Probably.

I also bought a huge bag of cheese balls. Like Cheezies but spherical. They caught me attention for two reasons. 1. On The Office they always have them and throw them up and catch them in their mouths. 2. They are kind of sketchy brand wise so they reminded me of these cheese puffs Liz Lemon always eats. They were giving her a false positive on her pregnancy test due to a bull semen ingredient. So yes, I wanted them for the bull semen.

Speaking of cheese balls, I have eaten way too many of them. Like, it is a huge bag and there is less then 1/4 left and I just got them on Saturday night. I've pretty much been the only one eating them. I am really good at catch them in my pie hole though. My record is like ten in a row. I regret nothing.

 I pretty much just stared writing this so I wouldn't have to go to bed. Last night I had really bad insomnia. On a Saturday night. Like, why? Tonight is going to be worse so I am putting off getting into bed. Smart: No. Logical: Nope. Any benefits?: Not at all. Blurgh.

I love writing

I do. I love it. And I want to do it forever.

I want to create characters and jokes and story lines and plot twists. Why? Because I'm good at it. I can actually say, "Yeah, I'm pretty good at this stuff," and I love it. I love to do it.

So, guess what? I am going to be Tina Fey one day. And I will mention you in my speech as I'm winning the Emmy for Best Female Writer. Maybe by then I will have an actual fan base that I will call, "The Causal Hello's". If you are reading this then you are an honourary Casual Hello, so welcome.

I'm thinking about writing a screen play. Just for fun. I have the idea all planed out. I've had it planed out for a while. Guess who it stars? Tina Fey and I as mother and daughter. Yes. Well, those who would be ideally in the movie if it was made into a major motion picture. Hehehe

Quick writes 2.0

Today my teacher asked a question somewhere along the lines of, "Do you want to get married sometime in the future? Would you live with them first? What qualities would your 'ideal mate' have?"

My response:

"I guess I want to get married. I would live with them first because I guess you don't really know someone until you live with them. My 'ideal mate' needs to be nice, with a good sense on humour, but an understanding that I am, and always will be, a little bit funnier. He needs to love TV, and love to talk about it, but needs to know to be quiet while the show is happening. A good cook would also be ideal."

I regret nothing. Now, if you are a young man that has stumbled across this blog and you fit these characteristic, please comment on this post so we can get married.

So, I didn't win the contest...

I was going to blog about how pissed I am, but something totally strange just happened, so I thought I would blog about this instead.

So, I finally get home, and I go into the bathroom to be pissed in solitude. I hear the phone ring. I hear my dad talking to someone. He mentions something about Indiana. Then he comes and knocks on the door. I'm like, "What?" heatedly and then he walks away and continues to chat. Then a little while later, he knocks again and I hear my mom yell like, it's someone from a contest.

So I'm like super confused. So I come out and get the phone and it's some random dude from some random guitar guy from some random place I've never heard of. He's like, "Did you enter this blah guitar contest?" Me, "Uh, I guess? Yeah..." and then he was asking me about my guitar and if I do any recording and I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And he's like, "Well, I will shoot you and e-mail and you can ask me any questions and stuff."

The e-mail is very personal and as confusing. I don't know if this is like a runner-up prize or something. He seems like he is a legit musician and stuff, it was just super random and really bad timing.

I'm pretty sure the contest was to win a nice guitar that I entered a really long time ago. I don't know if I am going to answer him. I should and be like, "I am more into ukulele at the moment." Or maybe he will become my online boyfriend from Indiana.

Today has been a weird day.

Best line from the e-mail:  It may seem extraordinary that I'm writing with all this info, but I want you to know that when you call me, you're getting a real music industry professional and not an order taker.

Hopes up

Isn't it the absolute worst feeling in the world when you get your hopes up for something and your mind is set upon it and you're super excited, but then something changes and everything comes crashing down in front of you? The answer is yes. Yes, it is the worst thing in the world.

This is why I never get my hopes up for anything. This is why I do not allow myself to become excited. This is why I am a pessimist. It's like not taking any risks so you don't get hurt. I can't handle that feeling. That feeling that what you've pictured and went over perfectly in your mind has turned into an ugly memory that never even happened. You just wanted it to so bad it felt real. The memory isn't real, but the pain is.

This is why I am so reluctant to think about the future. I hate thinking about it because then I start to get hopeful. I start to form this map in my mind about how things are going to go and expect everything to just fall into place. There are always cracks in the road though, and those cracks turn into detours, and those detours turn into dead ends. Then where are you? Trapped.

And I know you can't live like that, but somehow I manage. I always pinpoint the absolute worst things that could happen. I never think, "Everything is going to be fine and everything will happen the way it's supposed to and everything will be wonderful," because it doesn't and I'm left even more sad.

This is one of my favourite things about writing. These characters rely on me for their fate. They have no say whether they fall in love or fall in front of a bus. That's all me. Their pieces fall into place eventually. Their lives live on through text and imagination, while the writer is stuck in the real world where they can't just make up some deliberate plot twist to make everything go the right way.

I have to constantly remind myself that I do not live in a novel or a show. I am not someones character. No one is writing my future. No one is staying up late turning the pages of my life and wondering how it will turn out. It's not as fun writing your own story because if you have an idea of how it will end, your life will just be full of disappointment. I'm not ready for this.

Things I'm looking forward to

Here is a list of things that I am excited for. I want them to come faster, but they won't.

• Christmas
• New Years
• 30 Rock starting up again
• Next semester
• Graduating high school
• Never having to go back to high school again

These things of course have downfalls too, like exams and applying for university and not getting into university. That worries me everyday. What if I don't get in? What will I do? 

Move to Toronto and become a homeless person is probably my best bet. But realistically I would probably go back to awful high school and try to bring my grades up or something. I don't even want to think about that.

More news: I am giving blood on the 23rd! Which I just remembered I forgot to hand in my form... I shall do that tomorrow! My blood will save lives! I will be a life saver! Suck it Oprah, who's saving lives now!? Oh, you are? Cool.

It's my birthday

Today I turned 17. It's been a good day. I gave my friend who has the same birthday a birthday napkin, as tradition. I was serenaded twice, not once, but twice, in my play meeting. I got a bunch of FaceBook wall writes from people I never talk to. I had chicken fingers and smile fries. I got a nice little cake. I made a wish on some candles. I lost on a scratch card.

So now I must write myself a letter because that's what I'm best at.

Dear 17 year old Stephanie,

        You're not 16 anymore. Maybe you should get some of your shit together. Start caring. About anything. About yourself, about others, about life. Become busy. I know that all you want to do is watch TV, but you're going to get off that sexy ass of yours because there is a real world out there. The real world is scary and may not follow the normal patterns a show does, but it's real. Read more. I don't care how busy you are or when your shows are on; you need to get into the habit of reading more, and spending less time here. Follow your dreams. By this time next year you will hopefully be in university stressing over some assignment. Things are going to get hard, but remember that you're doing it because you love it. Go out of your comfort zone. How will you do this, I don't know. Just don't be afraid to try new things. You're supposed to be a little bit stupid. Get over yourself. Spend less time on yourself because you're kind of the worst. Let more people get to know you. Get to know more people. Sleep more. I know, sleep is death. Sleep is impossible. Sleep is totally necessary. Talk to people. People are the worst. I get that, but you need to be a little more likable. Don't forget.
        I can't tell the future, but I remember your past. 16 year old Stephanie went down the wrong path and got lost. Turn around and try and find a new one. It may take a lot of time and effort but it will be worth it. You're cooler then anyone thinks. Make them see that.

17 is the age I will graduate high school. It's the age I will go to university. It is the age I will move away from home. It is the age I will learn a lot about myself. Let's get this done.

Happy Endings

No, this is not a post talking about how things are happy in my life, of course not, look where you are! This is a blog just adding to my crazy television addiction. Which probably makes a lot more sense to the avid reader.

I started watching this show called Happy Endings (Wednesday's on ABC), and I adore it. It's hilarious. It's kind of like a modern Friends, but of course I won't compare it to it, but there are some similarities. Three guys, three girls. Dave, Brad, and Max. Alex, Jane, and Penny.

Dave was going to marry Alex, but she ran out with some dude on rollerblades. Alex is Jane's younger sister. Jane is a crazy control freak and is also married to Brad. Brad is a successful black man. Max is a gay dude who goes against all stereotypes. Penny is, well, forever alone. They are all best friends living in Chicago.

Life.

I really enjoy the show. It makes me think about how life will be like once I graduate university and actually move on with my life. Fun times will be had.

The other side of Pokémon

So, we all know fun loving Pokémon. The children go out and get their first Pokémon when they are 10, and then they can journey off to catch more, or stay home, and what? What kind of education is there is this Pokémon filled world? You're leaving your house when you're 10 to fight and travel and find strangers to tag along. When you're only 10 you start this nomadic life.

Okay, so let's say I'm 10. I am going to go out and get a nice little Pokémon. I'm not going to go become a trainer. I'm not going to 'collect them all'. I'm not even truly interested in Pokémon, because Pokémon are like animals in our society. Sure, there are a lot of jobs you can do involving animals, but majority of people don't choose to do them.

Do you even need to go get a starter Pokémon? It would be way more responsibly then looking after a dog; it shoots fucking elements out of itself! I wonder how many children die from third degree burns in this Pokémon realm.

Every season of Pokémon there are more and more different types of Pokémon appearing. Where the hell are they coming from? Are they being genetically made in labs or are they being discovered somehow? How many people use Pokémon for evil? Sure, they have bad guys on the show, but all they do is try and steal pikachu. I'm sure there are some people that would use them to kill and steal.

So they mix these dangerous animals with children. Seems legit. These children who can just leave their homes at 10. What do their parents think? I'm sure their are mixed views. There will be the parents who, themselves, went out when they were 10, then there are the ones who continued school and became something that didn't have to do with Pokémon.

I guess these kids kind of have to decide what they are doing for the rest of their lives at the mere age of 10. That is impossible. If I have to decide my life at the age of 10, I would be... a fucking witch doctor, I have no idea. Hell, I don't know what I'm doing with my life now.

I know I am looking way too far into this, but does anyone ever discuss this? The show only follows Ash, who, as we know, wants to be a Pokémon master, so what about everyone else?

A world full of Pokémon would be awesome, but very dangerous and backwards. It's so much different then what you would expect a normal childhood to be, but that's probably the westerner in me speaking because in some cultures childhood as I know it doesn't exist it at all. Maybe they would find it completely normal to go off when you're 10.

Nevertheless, I still love Pokémon, even though it makes me question everything.  

I don't even know

How do you write a blog? What are you allowed to include? Where do I direct everything? Why can't I share somethings? Who is going to be reading them? When can I stop this?

This.

Not this blog.

But this is general.

I hate this.

This.

Bedtime thoughts

Everyday when I literally climb into bed, the same thoughts cross my mind. Some obvious, some regrets, some longing. There are always a lot and there are always repeats. Let's take a look at a few of them:

"Shit, I forgot..."

"I really should have..."

"Did I finish...?"

"I really need to vacuum my floor."

"I should have blogged today."

"I should have done more today."

"Another wasted day."

"30 Rock quote."

"I am going to forget that in the morning."

"Mental note: remember..."

"I bet I will still forget."

"What am I going to wear tomorrow?"

"I hate sleeping so much."

"Sleeping is the worst."

"Everything is the worst."

"I hope I have a cool dream tonight."

"Stupid bitch! Why aren't you sleeping!?"

"I hope..."

"I wish..."

"I wonder..."

"This retainer is disgusting."