Your face

Do you ever have a moment when you can't stop looking at your face. If you think, no, I hate my face blah blah blah, then stop it. I honestly believe you can trick yourself into falling in love with your own face/self. I think this is very important to do because hell, it's your face. It's the first thing people see about you. It's the thing that greets you in the mirror. It's yours.

Open your webcam, or put a mirror beside you while you're on the computer and just glance at yourself. Smile at yourself. Talk to yourself via mirror person. Know yourself. When you make a certain face tell yourself you're cute. Be super cocky when you're alone, staring at your face because yes, you're the most beautiful/handsome person in the room! Own it.

It's odd that we can't just see our own face whenever we want. We need a reflection of some sort, so we don't always know what we look like. But if you get to know your face as well as you know your friends or your moms, I will make you feel more comfortable. You can think back to when you were staring at yourself the night before, thinking about how good you look and you'll remember that that face is on you right now, you just can't see it.

Put yourself in other people's shoes. You look different from ever angle. Have you ever thought that you look at yourself from the same angle, dead straight everyday. People around you are not your height. They see you differently. Take pictures from all different angles. Study them. Love the little things that make you you.

It's been said a million times, to love yourself. I think you need to get to know yourself. You need to feel comfortable with yourself, especially your outer self because like it or not, it's what people see. And if you know your face, if you study your face, you get to experience what other people experience. When you break that wall and think, "Fuck, I am looking good today," that slight smile on your face could make a whole difference.

Take a lot of pictures. You don't have to like them all, but take enough so you know you'll love at least one of them. Look your best so when you're feeling unsure, picture that picture and remember you can see yourself as that everyday. I can't just tell you not to care what other people think, but it helps if you start to feel good in your own skin.

I've never loved myself more than I do now. I think it started when I got my haircut. Maybe you need a change or maybe you just need to open your eyes.

Let's answer some questions that I found on the internet

Does anyone else actually find these fun? I just like doing them.

How do you relieve stress?
By curling up in a ball and forgetting that life's a thing

Have you ever been in a car accident?
Nope

Do you thrive when under pressure?
I guess so. I get things done when I need to.

Are you sore anywhere?
Everywhere.

Are you more a stay at home kind of person or do you always have plans?
Stay at home

Do you ever feel unimportant?
Ha. Haha. Never. Nope. Ha.

How old are you?
17.

When did you last cry? Did you cry in front of people?
The other day. Never.

How do you feel right now?
Like shit. This is why I'm doing these questions!

Describe one of your scars.
I fell on some ice as a chillen. My knees are some sad times.

Are you currently single?
Of course.

Do you ever threaten to beat people up?
Always. Too often probably.

Is anyone in your family sick?
In the head? Yes.

Are you very up-front about things or do you “beat around the bush”?
Depends on the situation. Like if you have chocolate on your face I will tell you, if you're asking me a personal question, I will not.

What kind of camera do you have?
Casio Exilim

Has anyone ever told you that you have an accent?
Surprisingly so. I am not Russian, bitch.

Where are you from?
Your mom. Surprise.

Do you still live there?
No, ew.

Who have you texted most today?
A sock puppet named Jamal

Do you say I love you to your best friends?
Yes, and they love it and we should say it more often to each other.

What did the last text you sent say?
"I am. So many secrets." This is funny out of context

Who did you last say I love you to?
My Nannie

Do you have any posters in your bedroom?
A lot

Do you like where you live, or are you dying to leave?
I am just dying in general

Do you have a big family?
Not particularly.

Do you enjoy going through old pictures?
Yes!

Do you sing a lot?
Yes. I sing all the time.

Were you born blonde?
Yes.

Are you afraid of thunder and lightning?
What are you, my therapist?

Have you ever performed on stage in front of people?
Indeed I have. Multiple times.

Do you sleep naked?

No lie, yes. It's actually wonderful and you should try it sometime.

Are you artistic? If so, what’s your area of arts?
I like to think so. All fields. (But not really)

If your old class was to have a reunion, would you attend it?
Yes, it would be fun seeing them bow down to me like the peasants they are.

Is there anyone you think you deserve an apology from?
The world

Do you remember who you sat by during the birth video in school?
A boy names Skylar in grade 9 science. That was some fun times.

Have you ever been called beautiful?
Yes, so often that it gets old.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/ girlfriend drinks?
Depends to what extent and if they invite me

Do you think you’ve changed over the past year?
Very much so

Could you handle living together with the last person who you talked on the phone with?
Ha, probably not

Are you happy with who you are?
In some ways yes, in others, no

Do you believe that you can change someone?
I can change the world, baby

Who was the last person to wear your clothes?
The hooker that just left my room

Do you find smoking unattractive?
It's not a quality I would ever look for, but I think some people suit it.

What do you currently hear right now?
Crickets being little dicks

Tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?
Their face and what they do with that face.

Have you ever used beer for your cereal instead of milk?
Is this a thing? 

Are you a jeans and t-shirt type of person or do you prefer to dress up?
Jeans and sweaters

What color was the last towel you used?
Pink because I am a lady

Do you sleep well at night?
Never

Do you have any nicknames?
Bitch face, Dirty Grace, Llama taste (I don't even know)

Think about someone who you’ve been distancing yourself from, why are you doing it?
Because I can

Are you a player or do you keep to one person?
I would like to be a player, but how do I get one person?

What brings out the worst in you?
fucking bears.

Do you miss someone?
Always

I don't know

I always come here and complain, and I complain to others, and I am just so sick of myself. I understand if you're sick of me too. I don't know what else to do though. I know it's my own fault. I know there's nothing to do but help myself. But I keep making excuses. I don't know how to make the next step.

I wish I could just write a list of small goals and actually accomplish all of them. But why write a list if you know nothing will come of it? It's this never ending circle.

I don't know how to be okay and that scares me.

Simple

I wanted to become the kind of person who drinks tea, writes stories, and has an abundance of novels ready to read.

So, I steeped tea, cleared my mind, and piled books.

Sometimes life can be (is) simple.

Ralph and the Bath

"And where were you, Mister?"

Blink.

"Don't look at me like that."

Woof...

"Ralph, do not use that tone on me." Ralph bows his head and sticks out his tongue, not so much as in a gaped mouthed, playful way, but in defeated anguish with just the tip showing. His scrunched up face giving him the look of absolute sorrow.

"Apology accepted. Now, you need a B-A-T-H." Mary spells out the b-word as to not alarm Ralph. Bath is one of his trigger words. Others include: walk, bad, bye-bye in the car, and balloon (something to do with his complicated childhood). Mary doesn't want Ralph to flip out in his current, muddy state. She pictures Ralph getting too overwhelmed and... jumping... on her... white... couch cushions. She visibly cringes and shakes her head to try and make the image disappear.

Grabbing an organic dog biscuit, Mary tries to lure Ralph into the bathroom where lukewarm, sudsy water awaits the rambunctious pug. Ralph shows no interest to the biscuit made with real, green, leafy vegetables. Mary sighs and switches it for a treat that resembles bacon. She only bought the organic ones in an attempt to change the round body of Ralph into something more oval.

Sniff, sniff.

Mary waves the fake bacon in her hand slowly from side-to-side as she walks backwards towards the bathroom in an awkward crouch, beckoning Ralph. He waddles over to the treat, trying to taste the flavor that fills his tiny nostrils and makes his head swim.

With no recollection of how he ended up there, Ralph and Mary face each other in the bathroom. She gracefully closes the door and laughs at Ralph a little too manically for his liking. His little ears press against his head as realization dawns on him.

He's in what the human calls 'bathroom'. He smells hints of lilac and vanilla, common scents traced to cleanliness. He looks at the porcelain object referred to as 'bath', with it's bubbly substances spilling out, and up at the human which he loves. The human that takes him on walks and pets him for hours. The human that feeds him and feeds him again. How could human do this to Ralph?

Mary knows the light-bulb went off as the pug's face turns to horror and betrayal. Her heart breaks a little staring into his eyes. She frowns and squats down to pet him, the treat still securely out of reach. She sees his short fur coated with dirt and smells traces of wilderness on him. She knows what must be done.

Mary waves the treat in front of Ralph's face again. He snaps out of his trance and becomes memorized by the Ecstasy within reach. She tosses the bacon substance into the tub and Ralph soon follows suit without a second thought. Content with the treat, Ralph allows Mary to clean him and all is right in their world again.

Ralph loves human; Mary loves Ralph.

Still

Everyone's moving on with their life.
Everyone took a step in the right direction.
You stood still, waiting for something to happen.
You stood still, waiting for the world to catch you.

They seldom look back.

Listen to your sad songs.
Write your dumb poems.
Feel the warm tears.

Nothing helps.
Nothing changes until you do.

Take the leap.
Take the jump.
Take the dive.

Just take a step.


I want so much out of life. I want to do so many things. I have so many dreams. So many huge dreams. But I don't do anything. I feel like I can't do anything. I feel like I can't deal with anything anymore. Everything is happening so fast. Again. I'm going to just shut down. I can't just shut down. I don't know what to do. I never knew what to do.

Nothing's going to change. I am what I am. I am nothing.