Bag of McDonald's

I don't know what to write about anymore. All I want to do is swoon but I am going to hold back because I have restrain on myself! (Kind of.)

Blah, I'm so happy. I feel like a bag of McDonald's all the time. (Trust me, that's a good feeling.)

I also wish someone would get on with the whole making teleportation reality thing because like, it's almost 2013 and what do we have to show for it? A couple hours a few times a week is not enough, but it's still wonderful. Everything is wonderful. I love scary movies now, but only in the right company.

Speaking of 2013, isn't the world supposed to end on December 21st of 2012? Is that still a thing or have people forgotten?

Also speaking of 2013, I have no idea what calendar to get this year. I always get one of those tree killer, day by day, flip calendar because it gives my day a purpose. Last years was Six-Word Memoirs, which have only been okay. I like the idea though. Dare to be different.

Once more about 2013, I have a lot to write in a sentimental, change of year post. Did I write one last year? Probably.

I am going to go dance in the moonlight now. But not really because baby it's cold outside.

One Moment

There's that one moment when you realize it's gone too far for you to just let it go.

And that's scary because that means if it's taken it can hurt even more.

But it's also one of the best feelings in the world.

Smile, things are happening.

Go for it

I auditioned for my musical today. I sang in front of people. I've never done anything like it before. Last year I did not audition for a singing role. It's was such a weird experience but I do not regret it for a minute.

I signed up yesterday because I was very iffy about the whole thing, but then said fuck it and wrote my name at the bottom of the list and stressed about it for 24 hours.

I did something new.

I faced my fears.

I did not die.

I've been doing this quite a bit this year. Going out of my comfort zone. Because why the hell not? I don't actually have to be there, might as well do some crazy stuff. The audition itself was not flawless. I was nervous of course, but the physical nerves didn't hit until like 3/4 through the first song. Then I got a little shaky, but it was not horrible.

I think it's because I did not care. I do not care if I get a call back or get a big part, I just wanted to do it to say that I auditioned. The teacher was saying that out of all the kids in the school only a small few can say that they had the balls to get in front of people and sing, and that really stuck with me. People were also crying after. I did not. 

So go do something you wouldn't have done yesterday. Do something you couldn't imagine yourself doing last year. Do something and just say fuck it. I will not say YOLO, but it was implied, yes.

I really wanted to start rapping/singing No Diggity. Should I do a cover? I'm such a good rap-ist. (Parks and Rec reference to my homies).

To adulthood

Today is my 18th birthday. Today I am legally an adult. I can vote and buy lottery tickets. This is a big step. So, today was wonderful. I got serenaded in a library by some friends and then the librarian heard and gave me chocolate. I was serenaded by a teacher in the same library. I got a present that consisted of Justin Bieber's new book (best not to ask) and The Women of Saturday Night Live DVD from my friend and her sister. My other friend surprised me and came down from Ottawa, so we hung out for a while. I gifted my birthday napkin as per usual. My peer tutoring class wished me a happy birthday in a crazy and constant way. I came home and spent time with the famjam and it was just wonderful.

I always think my birthday is going to be just like any other day, but truth is, I love my birthday. It makes me see just how many people love and care for me. It's kind of suffocating. It feels so good just to be reminded of that sometimes. So thank you to everyone.

So, here it is, my letter to myself.

Dear new adult Stephanie,

Holy shit we made it. There were some questionable times, but we're here and it feels great. 17 was a big year, but not for things you expected. You're very happy you stayed back for a year. For once you feel like someone that does something. Someone that can make a difference. You know where you want to go and actually have a realistic idea on how to get there.
17 was a year of challenges, but you're one step closer to where you want to be. You've never felt more comfortable with yourself. You've never known yourself as much. No one has ever known you as well as they do now. It feels so good.
And though it is good now, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and now you know that it's okay. Now you know that bad days are just bad days.
Things are looking good. In a year we might be completely different. I don't know what legal drinking age Stephanie will be like, but adult Stephanie is great and looking forward to diving into life.

You're going to live and blog forever.

57 Past the Old Mill

"Take a left on Sudbury. It'll be the next street." She curses herself and wonders if anyone else doubts themselves this much while giving directions. You've been here before, Janis. Calm down.

"What number is it again?" He remembers she said 57 earlier, but wants to ask just incase he remembers wrong or she thinks it's weird that he remembers. Dammit Deryl, is this awkward?

"It's 57, just past the old mill." That's how her friend described it to her when she was driving last time. Poor Tammy. I wish she was in the car now.

Deryl pulls into the dirt driveway. He swallows loudly in anticipation. Did she hear that?

Janis makes no attempt to get out. She's still thinking about Tammy. Was it my fault? Will the same thing happen to me? To Deryl?

"You came here with Tammy, right?" You told me you did once.

"I, uh, yes. We came here once. It was my first time here." Is this too much information?

"Have you been back since the, uhm..." Accident. 

"No, not until now," I never wanted to come back. "I guess we should go inside." Maybe we should just leave.

Deryl unfastens his seatbelt and opens the door. When he steps out Janis does the same, mentally preparing herself. They approach a door set in three meters of brick wall.

"Do we knock?" Please don't make me knock.

"No, I have to open it. Next time you'll open it." Just like Tammy said.

Janis opens the door. A field is located on the other side. The continuation of the field where they are standing.

The door leads to nowhere. There is no magic. Janis is a loon.

"Just do what I do. Don't forget." I'll see you soon Tammy.

Janis backs up a few steps and runs into the piece of brick wall to the left of the now open door. With a 'pop' she is gone.

Deryl stares at the plain brick wall. Before he can act, a figure comes out of the right side.

"Where's Janis?" Tammy asks Deryl looking very dishevelled.

"She's gone." The door slams shut. Silence takes over. The two head back to the car. They are together again.

New month

How the hell is it November? I was just crying about having to wear summer clothes and now I have to cry about being an adult. STEPHANIE NO LIKE.

But yes, November. It's cold. It's rainy. It's bearded. It's here.

I haven't been blogging because I've been pleasantly distracted, but I'm well. Let's play some catch up:

• I was runner up in a writing contest. I'm not even joking, it happened. I got money and published in an awfully coloured and kind of sketchy magazine. But, it's good.
• I've been reading
• I've been drinking tea
• I've been going to school
• I've been eating a lot of chocolate

I don't live an exciting life. But, November. Will it be exciting? Hopefully more so. I'll be an adult. I'll hopefully win the lottery. I'll do awesome things. Go awesome places.

It's a scary thought, being an adult, but I'll be sure to post a scared birthday letter when that day comes.

I am happy. I think I got my future pretty well figured out. I love talking to adults about it. I was looking into a program and telling my teacher about it and she said, "I bet a lot of people who think they're funny apply to this. The difference is, you are funny." It probably made my life.

A few things I need to remember are:

• Have a backup plan
• Nothing is certain
• Do what you love

Apparently November calls for impromptu lists. I like it. I need to blog more. This has been a mess.