Hopes up

Isn't it the absolute worst feeling in the world when you get your hopes up for something and your mind is set upon it and you're super excited, but then something changes and everything comes crashing down in front of you? The answer is yes. Yes, it is the worst thing in the world.

This is why I never get my hopes up for anything. This is why I do not allow myself to become excited. This is why I am a pessimist. It's like not taking any risks so you don't get hurt. I can't handle that feeling. That feeling that what you've pictured and went over perfectly in your mind has turned into an ugly memory that never even happened. You just wanted it to so bad it felt real. The memory isn't real, but the pain is.

This is why I am so reluctant to think about the future. I hate thinking about it because then I start to get hopeful. I start to form this map in my mind about how things are going to go and expect everything to just fall into place. There are always cracks in the road though, and those cracks turn into detours, and those detours turn into dead ends. Then where are you? Trapped.

And I know you can't live like that, but somehow I manage. I always pinpoint the absolute worst things that could happen. I never think, "Everything is going to be fine and everything will happen the way it's supposed to and everything will be wonderful," because it doesn't and I'm left even more sad.

This is one of my favourite things about writing. These characters rely on me for their fate. They have no say whether they fall in love or fall in front of a bus. That's all me. Their pieces fall into place eventually. Their lives live on through text and imagination, while the writer is stuck in the real world where they can't just make up some deliberate plot twist to make everything go the right way.

I have to constantly remind myself that I do not live in a novel or a show. I am not someones character. No one is writing my future. No one is staying up late turning the pages of my life and wondering how it will turn out. It's not as fun writing your own story because if you have an idea of how it will end, your life will just be full of disappointment. I'm not ready for this.