Never sleep

I've come to some realizations about my sleep.

1. My insomnia has gotten worse.
2. I have lost all acceptance.
3. I actually would like to sleep.
4. 3am is not late anymore.
5. Anything past 5am is unacceptable.
6. I think I know why I have insomnia.
7. I don't like realizations.
8. My mother does not understand insomnia or the toll it has on me.
9. I have an extremely hard time talking about it in person.
10. To receive help I would have to talk to people and I'm not comfortable with that.

My mom gets really mad at my brother and I for sleeping to, or past, noon. I personally don't like it too much either, but when you can't fall asleep until 5am, there isn't much choice. I tried to seriously talk to her today about my sleeping problems. It was a fail that ended with us not speaking for a while. It went something like this:

Mom: Stephanie, it's going on 12! Get up!

Me: *Dramatic eye roll* *Gets up*

Mom: ANDREW GET UP! YOU SLEEP ALL DAY!

Me: Calm the fuck down, we both go to bed late. Nothing is waiting for us in the morning. *Gets juice* *Heads to room* *Sits on couch not doing anything*

Mom: I've been up all morning! I made Rice Krispie Squares!

Me: I was up all morning too... I couldn't fall asleep until after 5.

Mom: Why?

Me: How the fuck should I know? *Gives face* *Shrugs shoulders*

Mom: It's because you go to bed too late! You should shut your computer down at 10!

Me: *ANGER* Because going to bed at ten is going to make me fall asleep earlier? Get out. Shit, that pissed her off, but I'm too pissed to care.

 So, I continued to sit on my couch and do nothing. Mom walks in room again.

Mom: I wish you would talk to me.

Me: I wish you would listen!

(Yes, this actually was said. Corny soap opera moment in real life win. Here I come Daytime Emmy's.)

Me: Do you know that kids my age are supposed to get 9 hours of sleep and I'm lucky if I get 6?

(12-5=7, I know. But I also wake up multiple times in the morning, so the hours leading up to 12 don't really count as real sleep. And plus I never know what time I actually fall asleep at. This is just an estimate.)

Mom: You should get on the computer and look up sleep disorders. 

Me: YOU ARE SO FUCKING STUPID. Because I haven't already!?

Everything in italics is my thoughts, just so you know. She walked away after this and we never spoke of it again. I hate that. She will never get it. I was so mad. Tears of rage were almost had. I hate how anger=tears for me. 

So, that was my early afternoon in a nutshell. I never want to bring up my sleep problems again with her.

Speaking of sleep problems... It's like 3:30. I really don't want to try and sleep. I hate it so much. I watched the sunset tonight. Normal people do not watch the sunset and the sunrise. Ahh. 

It's gotten to the point where I don't even enjoy the night anymore. I just want to sleep. Not because I'm tired, just because it's something. I beginning to think I don't know how to sleep anymore. I'm also thinking that even if I did know how to sleep, it wouldn't work. :(