Dear Interwebs,

I missed you. I love you. When I leave you, I will always return. Bring me back to my hermit life. My body is ready.

Questions!

I've never actually done one of these. I wouldn't post on on FaceBook, so I thought I would do one here. I thought it would be a fun little change. I'm all about fun and changes...

Do you have a tan?

Define tan....

Day been rough?

Everyday is rough with sandpaper pants.

Last song listened to.

Plant Life - Owl City

What is the last movie you watched?

Bridesmaids. It's weird because I should love it, but I find it was more sad then funny..

Do you have friends you can tell stuff to and you're sure they won't tell?

Many

What are you doing tonight?

Hopefully winning things 

Do you think you are a good person?

When I want to be

What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

Turned off my TV

Is your phone close to you?

Yes, it is sitting in it's chair and loving it

Could you cry right now?

Cry tears of rainbows? Maybe.

Do you wear the seat belt in the car?

Always

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing right now?

From a paper bag and I'm not even joking

Was yesterday better than today?

Nope 

What kind of shoes did you wear today?

Addidas sandals that the cool kids wear

Is anything bothering you?

Always

Are you talking to anyone while doing this?

Myself, like usual 

What do you usually do right when you wake up?

Cry because I'm not Tina Fey

When you say you don't care do you mean it?

Most times

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

Cold. I am dying right now

Are you currently frustrated with someone?

Liz Lemon, my fish. I'm trying to teach her how to jump through a hoop, but she just won't! Blerg.

Are there any people who don't like you?

Nah, everybody loves me. IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THEY DON'T!

What do you waste your time on?

Trying to teach my fish to do tricks

Has anything happened to you within the past month that has made you really angry?

I'm always mad, so yes.

When was the last time you laughed really hard?

There's a good question. You would think, as a hilarious individual, I would laugh a lot, but I don't.

Do you have your own personal diary?

This blog is kind of it.

Do you go to the tanning bed on a regular basis?

That's like asking me if I ate a cancer stick for breakfast. The answer is yes.

What are you wearing right now?

Booty shorts and a tube-top.  

Has anyone ever called you a bitch?

She called me a bitch. I called her an ambulance.

What are you craving right now?

Your mum.

Does anything on your body hurt?

My wings.

Could you go the rest of your life without drinking?

I would die; everyone needs to drink water to live. INNOCENT ANSWER FTW

Are you afraid of falling in love?

I would rather fall in chocolate

Do you want something you can't have?

Always. Every single moment. Yes.

Are you dating the last person whose wall you wrote on?

No ones ever written on my wall; that would be graffiti.

How fast does your mood change?

How fast do you run from a bear?

Do you like to sleep?

Hate it. Every second. No.

Are you a jealous person?

Yes. Taylor Swift is going down.

How did you get your last bruise?

Got in a fight with a hammer. You should have seen the hammer after! ...It was unscathed. I need to pick better battles.

Do you believe exes can be friends?

XX <Buddies

Was last night terrible?

Yes, it was actually. Accept for Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy makes everything better.

Who is in the room with you right now?

Lemon and Lil' Sebastian.

Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around?

Lemon and Lil' Sebastian.

Can you honestly say you're okay right now?

I'm eating a brownie and listening to The Submarines. Right now, I'm okay.

Are you ticklish?

Nope. But tickle me and die.

Are you happier now or 2 months ago?

I don't remember two months in the past.

Are you in a good mood right now?

This is very repetitive 

Do you take compliments well?

Better then some people I guess. I just take the compliment and drop it. On the ground.

Whiteboard abduction

This is what I did today when I was watching Friends. I believe it was time well spent.

That's me getting abducted. I think I believe in aliens to some extent. I want them to be real. How awesome would that be? As long as they aren't evil or anything, but they are all like Paul. The movie Paul is a wonderful film. If you haven't watched it, you should do so.

This morning (yes, I was awake in the morning) I watched Ponyo. It was on from like 10am-1pm. I think that's the earliest I've watched a movie in a long time. It was a weird movie. Tina Fey did the voice for the mom though, so that's always an upside. Such a wonderful voice... woah, sorry, I just had a Fey moment...

Before the movie, the rating guy said, "This movie is rated G, so you can invite your grandma and the dog to watch!" All I could think was, "What if you're watching this movie to forget about the fact that your grandma or dog just passed away?" I should become the new Debbie Downer...

Anyways, I'm off to signal some extraterrestrials so they will come and take me away. Catch you on the flip side.
(Now I've got Pocketful of Sunshine stuck in my head.) (Now you do too.)

Fish the bitch

Turns out Liz Lemon is a bitch. I kind of like it, but my two ghost shrimp are no longer. Lemon ate them. She killed them and ate them like nobody's business. I don't blame her, they were both kind of dicks. If I was a female betta living in a tank with two obnoxious ghost shrimp, I might take them out too.

She picks on Lil' Sebastian sometimes too, but it's in good fun. She didn't hurt him, but she likes him to know that she can. Lemon doesn't mess around. It's her tank.

I think I am going to get another snail. A black one this time. The snails look so awesome when they are out of their shells. They look like little octopuses or something. You become memorized watching them walk around on the sides.

And, who knows, maybe the cute, nerdy, PetSmart fish guy will be there again. Awkward wink. Awkward moving on. Awkward sauce.

I'm going to get a little tunnel or something. Maybe once I get that, I will get more ghost shrimp because they will have a place to hide.

Everything will work out. Lemon is the bitch of this tank and she knows it.

Lemon, Lil' Sebastian, Frick, and Frack

Liz Lemon, Lemon for short.

Lil' Sebastian, never just Sebastian.

Frick and/or Frack. There are two.

Buddies.

SpongeBob and fish tanks

Nick Canada has had a week long SpongeBob marathon. It is pretty much 24/7. As a teenager on summer vacation, I couldn't be happier! I've been watching it mostly in the mornings and late at night. When I couldn't sleep I just watched SpongeBob like nobody's business.

It ends today though, which I am very sad about! What will I do with my sleepless nights now? There isn't much on TV from 2-5am.

There are some things that piss me off about the show though. I know what you're thinking, it's SpongeBob, the show makes no sense anyways, it's main purpose is to piss off parents. And I understand that. When I watch the show, I try not to think too much into it, but these things are hard to miss.

Patrick is the biggest piss off. Like, get better friends SpongeBob. He is selfish and stupid and loud and destructive. I don't see how anyone puts up with him. I personally want to punch him in the face. I hope he at least teaches kids to find good friends and not model them after Patrick.

I also hate how the episodes end so abruptly! Like, you just get the point of it of the little lesson and it's done. Sometimes you don't know know it's done until the next one starts or the credits roll and you're like, oh...

This one is obvious, but it bugs me. How they live underwater but they don't use that to any advantage. They are sea creatures, that live in the sea, yet they live their lives like humans? With fire, and how they have to go to a lake to swim. How they have hoses and watering cans. How SpongeBob is a sponge, but needs some other kind of water source to be able to hold water.

But then you think, it's SpongeBob, it doesn't have to make sense. The one thing I really think is funny is how everything on the surface is real. I think that is an interesting twist. It really makes the sea magical.

On a separate note, I just spent like 2 hours cleaning and setting up a fish tank! Stephanie, why would you do that? Because! I am going to get some fish! Instead of just getting one male betta, I am going to make a feminist move and get a female betta. I'm not too sure yet though. Maybe I will get a different kind of fish. I also want a snail, so who knows!

I am excited though, the tank is pretty tricked out already. There is a 75% chance that I will name the fish Liz Lemon, but feel free to offer me suggestions for other names!

Never sleep

I've come to some realizations about my sleep.

1. My insomnia has gotten worse.
2. I have lost all acceptance.
3. I actually would like to sleep.
4. 3am is not late anymore.
5. Anything past 5am is unacceptable.
6. I think I know why I have insomnia.
7. I don't like realizations.
8. My mother does not understand insomnia or the toll it has on me.
9. I have an extremely hard time talking about it in person.
10. To receive help I would have to talk to people and I'm not comfortable with that.

My mom gets really mad at my brother and I for sleeping to, or past, noon. I personally don't like it too much either, but when you can't fall asleep until 5am, there isn't much choice. I tried to seriously talk to her today about my sleeping problems. It was a fail that ended with us not speaking for a while. It went something like this:

Mom: Stephanie, it's going on 12! Get up!

Me: *Dramatic eye roll* *Gets up*

Mom: ANDREW GET UP! YOU SLEEP ALL DAY!

Me: Calm the fuck down, we both go to bed late. Nothing is waiting for us in the morning. *Gets juice* *Heads to room* *Sits on couch not doing anything*

Mom: I've been up all morning! I made Rice Krispie Squares!

Me: I was up all morning too... I couldn't fall asleep until after 5.

Mom: Why?

Me: How the fuck should I know? *Gives face* *Shrugs shoulders*

Mom: It's because you go to bed too late! You should shut your computer down at 10!

Me: *ANGER* Because going to bed at ten is going to make me fall asleep earlier? Get out. Shit, that pissed her off, but I'm too pissed to care.

 So, I continued to sit on my couch and do nothing. Mom walks in room again.

Mom: I wish you would talk to me.

Me: I wish you would listen!

(Yes, this actually was said. Corny soap opera moment in real life win. Here I come Daytime Emmy's.)

Me: Do you know that kids my age are supposed to get 9 hours of sleep and I'm lucky if I get 6?

(12-5=7, I know. But I also wake up multiple times in the morning, so the hours leading up to 12 don't really count as real sleep. And plus I never know what time I actually fall asleep at. This is just an estimate.)

Mom: You should get on the computer and look up sleep disorders. 

Me: YOU ARE SO FUCKING STUPID. Because I haven't already!?

Everything in italics is my thoughts, just so you know. She walked away after this and we never spoke of it again. I hate that. She will never get it. I was so mad. Tears of rage were almost had. I hate how anger=tears for me. 

So, that was my early afternoon in a nutshell. I never want to bring up my sleep problems again with her.

Speaking of sleep problems... It's like 3:30. I really don't want to try and sleep. I hate it so much. I watched the sunset tonight. Normal people do not watch the sunset and the sunrise. Ahh. 

It's gotten to the point where I don't even enjoy the night anymore. I just want to sleep. Not because I'm tired, just because it's something. I beginning to think I don't know how to sleep anymore. I'm also thinking that even if I did know how to sleep, it wouldn't work. :(

Building a Nest

I'm flying through a field. It only feels like I'm flying because I know I'm running faster then them. Their footsteps are fading into the distance. I don't let this hope overtake me. I keep flying as if they were grabbing for my wings. The brisk, fall air is piercing my lungs with it's winter spear every time I inhale. I must be far enough away now. I must be able to slow down and take in my surroundings. I stop at tree. Was this tree here before? Wouldn't I have saw it on the horizon as I was gliding through the plain? It's a willow tree. The tallest willow I've ever seen. I rest against it; the bark rough, but gentle against my back. It was comforting to have something solid beside me. I decide to look back the direction I came from. There is no sign of them, but that doesn't mean they aren't watching me. Thirst becomes apparent once my aching muscles calm down. How long was I running for? It felt like days. Days of the same field. The same footsteps from behind.

I freeze. Was it them? Could they make that much noise? I peer around the tree. A stream. A rushing stream, not ten feet away from the tree. How did I not hear that before? I grab an empty water bottle from my backpack and head for the stream. It feels unnerving being away from the shelter of the tree. The water is icy against my hand as I fill up the bottle. My throat can only imagine how refreshing it's going to taste. When the bottle is full, I hold it up to my lips. I look at it before I drink it. Sparkling in the sunlight, I've never seen water look so inviting. The first sip is odd. I blame it on my dry throat and take another. Still odd. I take yet another sip. Something doesn't seem right. I examine the water again. At the first glimpse, I drop the whole bottle into the stream. The bottle was full of crimson. I spit onto the grass. My mouth is bloody red. I need to get rid of this taste.

The stream disappeared first, then the willow tree, then everything went black. I should have known it was their trick. They are always one step ahead of me. Why did I drink the water? Why didn't I keep running?

As I come back into consciousness, I know I can't trust my surroundings. I want to though. I am home. I am in my bedroom, laying on my bed like any morning. If it wasn't for the fact that I wasn't wearing my pajamas, I could have blamed it on a dream. My backpack lay open on the floor. They emptied it. Everything I own is gone. Why are they so heartless? Why can't they just leave me alone?

Blackness washes over me again. I can hear the sirens before I see anything. People are shouting. I can't move. I catch my refection from a broken car mirror. I look awful. There is blood everywhere. My vision fails me but I am still awake. People are pulling at me and fussing with me. I feel like a giant doll getting ready for a tea party. I want to tell them to leave me alone, that I'm fine. I can't find my mouth. I have no memory of how I got here. I start to panic. My heart beating faster and louder then it ever has. I can only hear muffles from the outside world. I can't tell if it's because my heart it beating so loud or because I was headed into the blackness again.

I wake up sitting in a comfy chair. There is a strange fellow seated across from me. You would think I would cower away from a stranger, but I feel instantly safe when I see his face. I know this man isn't one of them. He is one of me. His language is familiar and his smile is welcoming. It's weird to hear someone speak once everything is finally quiet. We are the only souls in the room.

"Welcome. I am glad you made it," he tells me with a smile.
I find my mouth and voice easily, "Thank you."
"We lose too many to them. I can tell you are a fighter."
"Thank you," is all I say again.
"Some battles are meant to be lost though, this is why I must ask you the toughest question and why I need a well thought through response," he is a very serious man. I like him already.
"What is the question?"
"Isn't it obvious?" He said with a smile, "Do you want to go back?"
"Yes. Yes, I want to go back," I responded instantly.

I woke up in a hospital bed. A nurse informed me that I have been in a coma for over 3 years. They didn't know if I would ever awaken. I had so much to live for though; of course I would awake.

Let's agree

Let's all agree on these three things:

1. Cookies are delicious 
2. Kittens are adorable
3. People are stupid

I hate everything and everything hates me. Good day.

Drawing within a picture thing

I just sat outside for an hour trying something. But I failed, then it got dark.

I could explain to you what I was doing, but I don't know if it actually has a name. I tried Googleing it, but to no avail and it's making me angry.

Okay, I found something.

The concept: make a stylized pencil rendering of a given real-life tableau, hold your drawing in front of the tableau so that the drawing's edges match up with the real scene, then take the picture.


^this is what I'm trying to do. I failed outside. It is a lot harder then I thought! I am so fascinated with it though. 


Here, I just did this one. It is poorly done, but it will give you more of an idea of what it is:

Now do you see what I mean? You draw a picture that changes the scene of the actual photo. There are no swings and a ladder of my bonsai for the tiny people to play and climb on. But now you're like, the tiny people are real! I knew it!


I find it so awesome. We can literally alter reality. Well, not really, but it looks awesome. 


I'm going to probably do a lot more of these... or try to. Maybe tomorrow I won't start to do this at 8:20pm.


But yes, it is a lot harder then it looks because you have to match up the background and stuff. 


I hope there are tiny people living in my bonsai. That would be awesome. We could become friends and they could share all their tiny wisdom with me. So much tiny wisdom.

SNL monologue 1

As you know, I am I crazy, delusional, Saturday Night Live obsessed freak show. So, last night when I couldn't fall asleep, I wrote myself a monologue if I were to host SNL. I won't lie, this is not the first one I've thought of. That's why I wrote a 1 in the title. I might share another one with you.

I will try and explain it as best as possible. I have never written a sketch before so I am going to get most of my information about it from looking at Bossypants, because there is the original written sketches from Tina's Sara Palin party.


Here goes nothing. Also, Justin Bieber is the musical guest. And I'm writing this as if I was going to host tomorrow.




STEPHANIE DOUGHTY MONOLOGUE ~ Stephanie Doughty/Justin Bieber/Tina Fey






(OPEN ON: STEPHANIE COMING DOWN STAIRS AND DANCING.)

           STEPHANIE

Hello everyone! It's great to be here! Wow, I've thought about this moment for so long...

(JUSTIN BIEBER WALKS INTO VIEW)

           STEPHANIE

Oh, hey, Justin Bieber. You're the musical guest tonight, right?

           JUSTIN

Yes I am. And you are the host or something?

           STEPHANIE

Yeah. First time hosting.

(AWKWARD SILENCE. LOOKING AROUND AWKWARDLY.)

           JUSTIN

You are between the ages of like 2 and 20, aren't you?

           STEPHANIE

Uh, yeah... we are actually born in the same year. '94..woo..

           JUSTIN

Then why aren't you freaking out?

           STEPHANIE

What are you talking about?

           JUSTIN

Why aren't you screaming, asking for my autograph, getting your mom to take pictures of me while you try and stand beside me? All the while still screaming and trying to claw my eyes out. You know, normal teenage girl things.

           STEPHANIE

Oh... I don't know. I guess I am a pretty chill person. And, no offence or anything, but I'm not that big of a fan.

           JUSTIN

Are you being serious right now? Do you know who I am? I am..

(STEPHANIE CUTS HIM OF. LOOKS AT OTHER SIDE OF STAGE.)

           STEPHANIE

Justin, shut up. Look who is over there. 

(TINA COMES INTO SHOT. STEPHANIE FREAKING OUT.)

           JUSTIN

Who? Tina Fey?

           STEPHANIE

Yes! That is Tina Fey over there! Do you think you could introduce me? Please Justin!

           JUSTIN

Okay... fine. Hey, Tina! 

(TINA WALKS OVER.)

           TINA

Oh, hey Justin, and...

(STEPHANIE VISIBLY FREAKING OUT.)

           JUSTIN

This is Stephanie, she is hosting the show tonight.

           TINA

Nice to meet you.

(HOLDS OUT HAND TO SHAKE. STEPHANIE SHAKES HANDS.)

           STEPHANIE

Oh my God. You just touched my hand!

           TINA

Oh, sorry... I didn't know you had some weird germ thing.

           STEPHANIE

Tina Fey just touched my hand!

(TINA AND JUSTIN BOTH LOOK CONFUSED. STEPHANIE STILL VISIBLY FREAKING OUT. TINA POINTS AT JUSTIN.)

           TINA

Does she know who you are?

           JUSTIN

Exactly!

           STEPHANIE

Before I hyperventilate, we have a great show for you tonight! The Biebs is here, so stick around, we'll be right back!

(CAMERA PANS AWAY WITH STEPHANIE AND TINA BECOMING BEST FRIENDS.)

Obviously it is very rough and junk, but there is the general idea. I hope you enjoyed my crazy and I hope you understand a little better how deep the crazy goes. It would totally be an awesome show though.

Futon

My bed is awesome, and maybe a little childish. I don't even give a fuck because I love it. It's one of those raised beds with a futon on the bottom.

I usually sleep on the top because it actually has a mattress and my beautiful memory foam that doesn't even work that well. As you know, I have problems falling asleep. One of the worst things about that is that I can never get comfy. I can't just lay there in bliss, I am fumbling around trying to get comfy.

Whenever I do get comfy and stay there for a while in a dreamlike state, I always think, "Why haven't I fallen asleep yet?" This brings me back into just pure thinking state. I then know I have no hope in falling asleep in this position, so I move and squirm and die for more time.

Last night I decided to sleep on my futon. It's weird, I can usually fall asleep faster on it, but I wake up super sore. So, I took everything off the futon and put my blankets and stuff on it. It instantly felt weird and different. It felt like I was having a sleepover... with myself.

I'm not going to lie; I kind of liked it. It was just so weird. So, I watched an episode of Friends that was conveniently on at whatever early AM time it was.

Long story short: Last night I had a sleepover with myself and my best friend, TV. And I liked it.

You should try it sometime. Sleep some where else in your house where you usually don't sleep. Don't sleep in your bed. Don't invite anyone else. Bond with your TV for a little bit. Have these memories to look back to. You will not regret it.

On a side note: The moon is super bright and it may be full and BRB I need to go turn into a werewolf.

Hearts & Dog-Tags 11

I haven't written one in a while. Turns out, when I sit down to write one, the idea just comes to me! It's simply magic. MAGIC.



    "Okay, I left you one hundred dollars for food. It's on the counter where I showed you earlier. Do not lose it and do not spend it all on pizza! Remember, my cell number is on the fridge along with all emergency numbers. The neighbors know you are here alone, so if they hear anything suspicious, they will help you. I feel like I'm forgetting something... Ugh, I'm going to worry about you so much! Do not burn the house down! I have to go now, my taxi is here. I love you! See you in a week!"

    You may think, "Awe, this is a mother leaving her child home alone for the first time!" In some ways, I guess this is true, but in most ways, it is no where near true. This is Sammy talking to Paul. Surprised? Didn't think so.
    Sammy is heading on a news retreat where a bunch of small-town news correspondents get together and go camping. No cameras allowed. Just good old bonding. This is the first year Sammy got invited. She, along with star news reporter Tanya Jones, and the not-so-camera-guy Jerry were off to the camp ground to meet with the other news-savvy people.
    This left Paul alone for a whole week. He thought it was going to be awesome. He thought he would become a 'solo party of Paul', as he called it. He thought it was going to be one week of non-stop partying because there was no rules set by Sammy. He was way off.

Day 1:
    "Hey Paul! We made it to the camp ground! Hows it going?"
    "Sammy! It's good to hear from you! Everything is awesome! I'm just about to watch a football game!"
    "Typical. I remembered what I forgot to tell you! The...... so don't.... fire..."
    "Sammy, what? You're breaking up. Sammy? Hello....?"
    Paul never felt so alone. He just held up the silent phone... until the football game started. Then he almost forgot about the whole thing. Including what Sammy was trying to tell him.

Day 2:
    "Pizza or Chinese food... or go grocery shopping? Pizza." Paul mumbled to himself.
    It was 3pm and he just rolled out of bed after going to sleep at 6am. It felt like summer vacation to him. He stayed up watching old movies that were on TV about superheros. He then ran around the house pretending to be a superhero. For 2 hours straight.
    The pizza arrived and he lost the first thirty dollars of his hundred. He got an extra large so he could eat it for multiple meals. He spent the day eating half of the pizza and watching TV.
    There was no call from Sammy.

Day 3:
    Paul got up at 4pm today.  He was woken up by the phone ringing. He let it go to voice mail. The message was from Sammy, it said, "Hey Paul, the service isn't good up here. I hope you didn't use the toaster, it's broken and might catch on fire. That's what I tried to tell you before. I will try and call you tomorrow. Love you!"
    He suddenly kicked himself for not picking up the phone, and then he landed on the floor hard. He ate the rest of the pizza and watched a documentary on pidgins. It was very informing.

Day 4:
    Paul was sick of pizza, so he decided to order Chinese food. He ordered a meal for three, which came to thirty-five dollars. He was down to his last thirty-five dollars from the hundred.
    He waited by the phone for Sammy to call. At 8pm she finally did.
    "Sammy?"
    "Paul! It seems like I haven't talked to you in forever! How are you holding up?"
    "Me? I'm great! How are you? You're the one out in the wilderness."
    "I would hardly call it wilderness. It's a beautiful cabin in the middle of no where."
    "That sounds aweso-" Sammy cut him off.
    "Jerry stop kissing... phone with Paul... breaking up...Paul..."
    "Sammy!? You're breaking up with me!? You're kissing Jerry!?" His shouting was no use, the line was dead.
    Paul tried calling back, but there was no answer.

Day 5:
    Paul was a mess. All he could do is eat, sleep, and watch TV. All he could think about was the phone call.
    "What does Jerry have that I don't?" He would mumble to himself.
    He played the message Sammy left him a couple days ago over and over again. He decided to buy another extra large pizza as comfort food. He only had five dollars to his name.

Day 6:
    Paul stayed in bed, ate pizza, and listened to Sammy's message over and over again. By now he had it memorized and would say the words along with her. It was a little bit creepy.
    He did a lot of thinking. About love, life, and how they all relate back to Sammy. He didn't know how to live without her. He didn't want to find out what it's like to.
    Sammy was going to be home tomorrow night and that's when it was all going to end. He needed a plan. He needed to win her back. He needed to think of a better one that didn't involve killing Jerry.

Day 7:
    Paul got up at 12pm. Sammy was supposed to be home around 5pm. That is is she's even coming here. He told himself that she would need to and moved on with his plan.
    First things first, he cleansed the house. He shoved things in closets and threw away too much stuff in the garbage, but first glance, it was a pretty clean house.
    He also cleaned himself. He's been alone for a week. No one reminded him to take a shower.
    Paul then walked to the grocery store and got three things. Sammy's favourite gum, Sammy's favourite chocolate bar, and a sample size of Sammy's favourite perfume. It came to $4.63. Paul threw the five at the cashier, grabbed his stuff and ran home.
    It was past five when he arrived back. There was no sign of Sammy. He set up what he bought on the counter and hoped she would show.
    At 5:36pm a car rolled in the driveway and Sammy came running through the door. Paul didn't move. She ran at him and gave him a hug.
    "I missed you so much! I tried calling but the stupid cabin had horrible service! I think I phone line went down or something. It was awful!"
    Paul was surprised by the way she was acting. He decided to play it cool, "How is Jerry?"
    "You won't believe it! Jerry and star reported Tanya Jones got together! I guess what happens in the cabin, stays in the cabin."
    Realization washed over Paul. Jerry was kissing Tanya. The phone line was breaking up. He felt like an idiot for ever doubting her.
    "Hey, look what I bought you!" Paul pointed towards the goods.
    "Let me guess. All you bought this week was delivery, so you bought this for me with your last five dollars so I wouldn't be mad at you."
    "Yeah...something like that."
   
___________________________
Then Paul winks at the camera.

To be ten

I guess today, in some ways, turned out better then expected. I'm really fed up with my household though. More then I have been in a long time. I can't stand even hearing their voices in the other room. Blerg.

Anyways, I hung out with my ten year old cousin today. Not being around a lot of younger kids, I realized something today. My anthropology/sociology/psychology class was not full of lies. As a well-rounded teenager, I didn't think that a lot of the things were true because it's like like you can really think back to your thoughts from when you were ten.

It's weird to think, "Was I like that when I was ten?" The answer is probably yes. The weirdest one for me is that she has no sense of self. But, we gain our sense of self in our adolescent stage. And that's weird, because she doesn't have a care in the world.

I also think that she is different then a lot of soon-to-be-eleven-year-old's because of that. She will be going into grade six and she seems so sheltered. She tells me about kids at her school, how the girls wear tons of make-up and shit. How she gets picked on. Her school goes up to grade 8 and I think if she doesn't start to understand more about society, high school is going to be a hell of a shock. And I do not like that. I think she has a lot of growing up to do and I also don't like that.

She is mature for her age, but also naive.

I think self actualization can make or break a person. Make because you're like, "Wow, I'm awesome, I look awesome and everything is awesome." Break because you're like, "I am fucked and I look fucked, how do I fix that? and my situation is fucked." If you find yourself and don't like what you see, your confidence is shattered.

I realized a few things about myself today.
1. I need to get my swearing under control. I almost made a joke about 'not giving a fuck' in front of everyone.
2. I am mature and I like it. Unless making dirty jokes is immature. Whateves.
3. My uncle and I are a lot alike.
Me: My dog hates me.
Him: Did she lend you money and you never paid her back?
Me: Yeah,
At the same time: They can really hold grudges.
Then we laughed. He thinks I'm hilarious, I really like that.

It's weird to think about how my uncle is my mom's brother because I can't picture my brother and I like that. Him coming over my house with his wife and children and me greeting him with my my children. I'm just thinking about if all our roles were changed. This would be my daughter writing a blog about how she doesn't like her family (note the beginning of the blog). That should be my one goal as a parent. To not make my children want to write mean things about me on the internet.

This might be the teen angst, but I won't be marring someone like my father, so I should probably be good. You know how people say that girls are attracted to qualities found in their father? Fuck that shit, I will be looking for the opposite.

I need to go watch some more SNL. TTYL bitches.

Drunk on right now

I am so tired.

I am so happy.

I love this giddy, I'm going to collapse from exhaustion, high I'm on right now. I would except this 'on verge of insanity tired' if I could be this happy all the time.

When you're sad, you can't remember what it's like to be happy. But when you're happy, you can remember too clearly what it's like to be sad and you will do anything to stay like this. I always tell myself, "I'm going to make this feeling last," but it doesn't work. You're either sad, wishing you could be happy, or happy, wishing you could never be sad again.

My uncle, aunt, and two cousins are coming down tomorrow. JOY. I also don't know if they are coming to our house, or just to my nannies, another joy. At least here I have control of the internet. But, a downside of staying here is my mother. When people are over she expects too much of me, and it always seems like she is just being mean. I hate it. I tell her too, when everyone is gone, but she continues to do it. So, if we aren't home, I will not need to deal with that.


On a complete side note: Go rate my photo 10! It would be awesome if my picture was featured on a Jones bottle. If you don't, I will find you. And molest you. Trust me, no one wants that. (If you do, call me.)

Okay, shut it down.

Haiku from me to you

1. Sit back and relax

    The world can wait for you too

    No to need hurry

    

2. People will stop you

    Anticipate the failure

    We all win sometimes

3. Never stay the same

    But get out of no ones way

    Your path will find you

4. She was a loser

    We all need to win sometimes

    Then she met a boy

5. Butterflies sing songs

    We need them to sing along

    Their voices are sound

6. Why do you look sad?

    Tomorrow will bring great pain

    Today is for change

7. I hear you outside

    Your wings will take the journey

    The essence of flight

8. The flower will grow

    It needs time to plant it's roots

    No need to rush it

9. Cry for the fallen

    They will forever linger

    For their spirits rise

10. We can hear music

      Nature is the melody

      The ocean keeps time

One of those days

It's one of those days where I don't want to do anything.

I'm going to watch Arrested Development, SNL, and movies all day.

I am going to eat. A lot and often. You know what's weird? I have been like forgetting to eat lately. It will be like 5pm and I will go, oh, I haven't really eaten anything today. I just lack structure. I don't like it. Like, it is 3:30 and all I've eaten is four cookies. Nothing to drink either. Wow, I should really get on that.

My mom came in to my room today to tell me that her and the father were going grocery shopping. After telling her to buy good food and food that can be easily microwaved, she looks at my for a second and gently says, "What is wrong with your face, honey?" I was totally taken aback. So, I'm like, "What do you mean!?" And she just goes on about how I look pale. Like, sorry for being pale all the time.

They still aren't back yet. It feels like they have been gone for forever. When people are gone for longer then what I think they should be, I am always like, they got into a car accident. Every time. So then I worry because I am just fucked up.

I don't think anyone truly knows how fucked up I am. Not even me.

Anyways, it's going to be one of these days:

Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Saturday Night Live is a digital time capsule. It started in 1975, way before my time. Since then it has been challenging society with sketches based on utter nonsense to pure, satire gold. Saturday Night Live is literally a timeline of humor, politics, and horrible hairstyles.

The show consists of an opening sketch starting at exactly 11:29:30, then moves to the opening monologue from the celebrity host, multiple sketches, the first performance from the musical guest, Weekend Update (the best part of the show), more sketches, the second musical performance, more sketches, and then the closing remarks. The show is 90 minutes long, including commercials.

Now that you know a little about it, let me just say this: I love Saturday Night Live.

Some of my favourite people have come out of it: Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Jimmy Fallon, Kristen Wiig and Seth Meyers are still on it. I bet you would be surprised who has been on SNL over the years.

I have recently been watching SNL, season 30, which is from 2004-2005. Tina Fey and Amy Pohler are the Weekend Update people. Okay, I'll do it. FROM STUDIO 8H IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER, IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH TINA FEY AND AMY POEHLER!

I find it so weird when they talk about news stories and I already know the outcome. Michael Jackson's court case was a very popular news story at the time, I just sit here going, "Well, he's dead now, it was never proven that he did, in fact, molest all those children." Or when they talk about Osama, I'm like, "You guys just killed him!"

I love the live aspect because anything can happen. If they laugh, they laugh. If a prop breaks, it breaks. If Ashlee Simpson is caught lip syncing, she is lip syncing. There is really no way around it, you just have to deal.

I also have so much respect for any celebrity who goes on SNL because they are there to pretty much make a fool of themselves on live TV.

If you have never watched SNL, I suggest you start now. Right this second. Also, tune in when I am on the show. I will start off as a writer, then get put on Weekend Update with some cute boy because I am reliable and he is cute and funny. We will have an on screen romance, and I will not be married, so it will blossom into a real romance. He will leave to start a talk show and I will get placed with my best friend. Oh, the fun we will have. I will then leave to start my own sitcom about behind the scenes of live TV.

OR, I will be on with my band 'Casual Hello'. I will offer to be in a sketch and it will be awesome.

OR, I will host when I get famous. In my monologue I will talk about how I want Tina Fey and Amy Poehler to be my lesbian moms. They will show up dressed as stereotypical lesbians and it will be super funny. The musical guest will be Owl City, and that's how I meet my husband.

Oh, SNL, how you make me dream.

Happy Birthday Adam Young

Adam Young. Where to begin.

He is everything. He inspires me to be a better person just on the fact that he, himself is a good person. Adam doesn't do this in the way of corruption. He does it simply by optimism through his music.

I try to be optimistic, but from this blog, you probably know that it fails. I have my ups and downs, but I always come back to Owl City. People say his music is 'soft', I say it is truly gratifying. Everyday we listen to songs about loss and fear and death. We all feel those things, but should we focus on them? Should we allow ourselves to become consumed? No. We need to focus on the positive.

That's what Owl City's songs are about. If everyone goes through bad things, why should we listen to music about it?

On another note, Adam is from a small town. He is an introvert. He recently played a live show for over 60,000 people. How crazy is that? He went from loading trucks to touring the world in like three years.

He is a dreamer that has actually seen his dreams come true. There is nothing more inspiring then that.

Maybe dreams don't tun to dust. (And I will marry Adam Young one day.)

Honey And The Bee

I know you all missed these. All three of you wonderful people! This song is magical; it is off of All Things Bright And Beautiful. Since that album has come out, I can honestly say I have not listened to anything else on my iPod. At all. True fact.

I thought the song sounded cute on ukulele. So, here you go, a cute song played on a cute instrument, played by a cute person. LOLJK.

Honey And The Bee - Owl City:

I think we can officially dub this shirt my cover shirt.

I also like how this song is supposed to be a duet with a boy and a girl. With my lyric changing skills, I bet you didn't even know.

Now I just want to do a total 180 and talk about something I hate. I hate it when people compare songs to other songs. This song sounds like this song, blah blah. Why can't people just take each song for what is it? It's not like the artist stole the music or anything. It just happens to sound similar. Accept it and move on with your life.

That just really bugs me. Also, how every new, young artist is 'The Next Justin Bieber'. Or, 'The Girl Version of Justin Bieber'. Yes, Justin Bieber is successful. Yes, he is young. Yes, people want to aspire to be like him. Does that mean they are going to overshadow him? Does that mean they are going to do exactly what he does? Does that mean that every artist wants to be just like fucking Justin Bieber? No. No, it does not.

So, there you have it. A cover and a rant. I should start a talk show.

Distracted

That awkward moment when you were going to write an awesome blog post at 8, after watching Monsters vs. Aliens, and before 9, before It's Kind of a Funny Story starts, but you get caught up in watching YouTube videos of Tina Fey on talk shows and accepting awards.

It's going to be a long time before January...

UNO-tastic Canada Day

Today was a weird day. Because of my slight mental breakdown in the early AM, I decided that I was not going to spend time with anyone. I had big plans involving SNL and Arrested Development.

My mom always has different ideas for holiday's. It doesn't matter how insignificant the holiday may be. She woke me up with a 'special Canada Day breakfast' that was just a strawberry smoothie in a plastic cup with maple leaves on it. It was pretty good.

I still had no plans to spend anytime with my family though. My mom kept asking what was wrong and if I was okay, which I responded with nothing and I'm fine like always. She was obviously hurt and I was just a stupid teenager with teenage problems.

I watched an episode of SNL and an episode of Arrested Development. In a spontaneous move, I then just put on my bathing suit (a.k.a skimpy bikini) and just jumped in the pool. Just like that. I just did it. It was cold. It was awesome.

It woke me up. My mother was happy. She didn't want me to go back in the house. So I actually didn't. We played this weird triangle game with golf tee's. I was not good at it. Even after many rounds, I didn't come back into this house to sit at this computer.

We played UNO. All of us. My bother, dad, mom, and I. It was weird... We usually don't even talk to each other. As little as possible, but today is a holiday after all.

I watched my family get progressively more drunk as I drank Snapple and Dr. Pepper. We played game after game. We also kept score. Somehow I lost.

UNO is a great way to bring a family together apparently. My brother loosened up after a couple beers and was actually fun. My dad would swear at his card and my mom would yell at him to watch his language even though I am the youngest, at 16. I've heard and say worse mother. And I'm, of course, always my hilarious self.

This was also all outside. I was outside for a good part of the day. What has become of me? Spending time with the fam-jam... while outside? It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I came back inside around 5:30 and spent the next three hours doing this:

I think they came out okay. They look pretty cool and will impress people, yet they are simple. That's all that matters.